Aaaal sorts aa stuff fae Sheltie land....
includes stuff fae Muckle Ossa, Little Ossa and Fladda.....
and any guest stacks, holms, geo's, kame's, baaaas, headlands, voes, firths, lochs, lighthouses, etc.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Peerie O & Fladda Discuss Cement Mixers

Peerie O and Fladda have been dicussing the relative merits of electrically powered cement mixers vs petrol power. PO observed that the length of cable was a limiting factor on where concretion activities could be carried out thus a petrol powered mixer would be more useful. Fladda said that although this might be true the issue could be circumnavigated by a little imaginative thinking…nae innovation and creation. Form thence to the drawing board and draft 1 was designed, however limitations to the system were immediately noticed..not least wind was always required when mixing. This also has other disadvantages..see below.

Draft design 2 was then designed. We think you will agree that this provides a green alternative to petrol driven mixers. An added bonus is that your thighs and “buns” are as tight as a crabs bottom at 40 fathoms.

On way to the Patent Office…..

PO and Fladda

Monday, 29 March 2010

Just in Fae Fladda

MO's goosing tale/tail brought a couple of memories flooding back (but not for long).

The first scheduled horseless flying carriage to land at Sumbra belonged to Aberdeen Airways, which later became Allied Airways (Gander Dower) Ltd. It was piloted by Captain Eric Starling. Probably flew over da roost. Wonder when he got his wings?

And, of course, who could forget Billy Fisher's immortal lines (reading from newspaper), "Three passengers on a Belfast 'plane were Mr Goose, Mr Gander and the Reverend Mr Gosling. They did not know each other."

Talk about co-incihapenstance.

Shetland Dialect Now Online

At last, the Shetland dialect has gone “online” which means that it is real….because the computer says so….and so does the Arcadia University in Philadelphia and the Amenity Trust so it most be true (you don’t argue with the Amenity Trust!) so in the spirit of this brave new world Peerie Ossa will now communicate in the Shetland dialect…..

Hits been a poor helly aa wadder, lyin on fae da Nort. Hit made me tink I wis a grain prematyr wi da annual poanin o my head. I wis a bit scunnered whan I saa dey wir a sneetle aa sna on da aert dis mornin an da yeows wirna very plaesd aboot hit aeder. I gyud oot tae maet dem and wi da ice I keggled ower intae da stank an landed on da keel aa my back..wi a skurt foo o hey on da height aa me. Eence I up ended an got da yeows maeted, I slipped da dugs bit dey widna even set paa ootower da step aa da door. I wan tae my wark and as wi inny guid Shetlander I scrimed ower da helly news and fan dis missive aboot spekin Shetland so noo fok kin see da differ atween grevf an grof, reeve an rive, clatch ,clert an cline.

Answers as iver…..

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Shetand Islands - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Here's a snippet........

According to every world atlas, the islands are situated in a mysterious little box just outside of Aberdeen alongside Orkney. The Box of Mystery is thought to be an ancient sea wall built in the Moray Firth by the Emperor Hadrian to keep Vikings out in the 1700's. However, it was demolished in the 1970s to create the offshore Beatrice Field, a large field of reclaimed land where potatoes are now grown offshore to avoid winter frosts onshore. GPS tracking of native seals has convinced some experts that the islands may be somewhere north of Alaska. However, information is sketchy because no one can be bothered to go there. It is believed that it is a haven for islands forgotten by the world. Jersey, the Falklands and French Polynesia are thought to be hiding from the law there.

The climate is very windy in Shetland, so windy in fact that a rare breed of Atlantic Puffin (Puffinus Shetlundis) has evolved to fly backwards. No trees are found either as they are simply uprooted and are cast into the sea, causing on average 12 deaths to islanders every year. Plans are in progress to harness this energy and convert the island group into the world's largest wind farm which will generate enough electricity to power up to 15 homes in Aberdeen, a couple of streets down south and a kettle in Stromness. Being so far north, the islands receive no sunlight in the winter but enjoy up to two whole hours of sunlight per day in the summer months. As a result, the residents of Shetland go into hibernation from November through to March where nobody is permitted to leave the house or open for business without being brutally attacked by the local minister. It's a bit like the average Sunday really but just one that lasts 5 months long (not as bad as the Western Isles though).

Shetland was created on the 5th of May 1999 in an attempt to create an place where the entire population of the United Kingdom could live if the "Millennium Bug" did in fact exist. Shetland contained no electronic devices and was thought to be a safe haven due to its location in the middle of The Sea of Nuts. However on the 21 of May 1999 a farmer named Jack Billocks brought a Digital Wrist Watch to the Island and therefore the entire plan had to be scrapped. The island was Abandoned soon after and set for detonation. Months later it was confirmed that an "Oily Goo" was sweeping over the Entire length of the Island. Many scientists argued that this "Goo" was in fact "Shetlanders", a race of sub-human that had been on the Island since the early hours of May 5th. But many of the public rejected this idea and burned down the Natural History Museum in Skegness in protest at the scientists for not inventing the Wheelie Bin in time for the Garbage Riots of 1908............

Thursday, 25 March 2010

2010 LUHA Panoramic Images

Dis site has some amazing 'Google Streetview' style panoramic images of the 2010 Lerwick Up Helly Aa.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Of Geese and (Shetland) Men

Further to Radio Sheltielands interview with croftery types last night regarding wir pals the geese, MO has contacted the geese spokes person, Goosey from the Featheration of Old Lags and asked for a response…..

“Look, we have just been spending the winter down in Englandcestershire and its been sodding freezing. We are now on the way to the Arctic tundra to lay some eggs and freeze our beaks off again. We just dropped down at Zetiland Services for a quick snacket, same as usual, and what a palaver! We’re not even staying!!! There was a time when we were a rareity and people were glad to see us but now they want to shoot us !!! We just don’t think its very fair…truth is we’ve been coming here longer than you lot and did we make this sort of fuss when you ploughed up our fields??? Did we? If you lots can’t be bothered to lift your neeps well boo hoo…if it’s there we’ll eat it! And I’ll tell you another thing, you wer’nt so keen on the gun when we were pushing out golden eggs either oh no! It was you who got the domestic floozie geese who diluted the egg pool and ended the golded egg production, although between you and me there are still a few Golden egg producing pure breds. We have had a letter of support from Amelia and Abigail Gabble. They are apopoleptic and are looking to bring our plight global with the help of Thomas Omally, Duchess and the Kittens…

A word of warning to you all, just remember we don’t have to be on the ground to open the old “bomb bay” if you catch my drift…..”

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Another First for Shetland (more precisely Cullivoe)

Contrary to popular belief, Red Bull or Torro Rosso, is not a new product. This beverage has been brewed in Cullivoe since 1958 and MO has proof!!! (see pics.)

Back in the 50's and 60's the squads in Cullivoe commenced consumption of the home brewed “Solan Squash” in the month of July to ensure that they did indeed have wings for the following February’s Cullivoe Up Helly Aa. MO thinks you will agree that these squads did indeed have big wings…none of your paltry raven thingy oop ‘ere (King Corax corax likes the CUHA – his eggs are safe). In addition - as the same wings and shields appear to be recycled from Jarl to Jarl, the Cullivoe Squad were even then trendsetters in promoting an eco-friendly and sustainable Up Helly Aa.

A buy out in the 1970’s however, meant that “Solan Squash” became “Torro Rosso” and spawned a Formula 1 Racing Team. So there you have it, yet again Shetland is at the forefront of innovation and invention, although perhaps not for the same end purpose.

Pictures from the excellent "Official Cullivoe Up Helly Aa" website depicting the Jarls & squads since its inception in 1957 up to 2000.

Shetland Word of the Day –
Haligit - Answers on a postcard to Muckle Ossa, North Atlantic, The World.

Monday, 22 March 2010

English get da taste for da Irn-Bru

Muckle O has informed Skeeter and Peerie O that indeedy the long game for Caladonia is finally coming to fruition. The origins of Irn Bru have long been misunderstood. After the horrendous beating the clans took at Culloden, there was very little to eat or drink. Water was the only thing that was in plentiful supply and in order top get a bit of variety in the diet, they commenced brewing the water with the swords/spears/axes etc of the vanquished clansmen. A strange discovery then ensued….after consuming the new beverage the consumee cold only walk in a northerly direction.

Over the years the realisation of the magnetic properties of this beverage became apparent. Scotland then decided to create the myth that Irn Bru was made from girders and that it had “toughening up” properties. Finally the old enemy has commenced consumption of the beverage and the master plan is swinging into action.

The Scottish government have brokerd a deal with CERN and is buying the crap electromagnet which keeps breaking in the hadron collider. It will be constructed at Culloden and turned on when enough windmills have been constructed to power it. This will result in all recent consumers of Irn Bru being dragged up the UK to Culloden. However gone are the days of barbarism, death and disembowelling and stuff….were a progressive multicultural country now. Instead there will be enforced singing of “Donald Where’s your Troosers,” kilt wearing, and signing over of all good football players to the Scottish squad and haggis eating. Lessons will be undertaken to ensure the correct pronounciation of “och” as opposed to the usual feeble southern softy attempt of “ock.”

Failure to comply with the latter could result in minor disembowling….

Da Zetland Amenity Trust Interpretive Boards

Skeeter Skerries has been 'gittin da dirt' agin on da goings on aroond da isles....

Plans are afoot at the Shetland Amenity Trust to dramatically increase the number of Interpretive Boards in Shetland. The Trust has nearly 60 boards throughout Shetland which highlight and explain sites of historical and cultural interest. (Muckle O thinks dese boards are great by da way).

A Trust spokesperson had this to say on the proposals.
We are particularly excited about the Tesco supermarket board. Many visitors to the Islands simply have no idea that this important site was not only operated by Safeway’s but also Morrison’s and Somerfield. Also my next door neighbour has just got a cat, I plan to do a board for her cat.

It is understood that a series of boards will be done on the local Councillors, but this is proving problematic as nobody can pin down what they actually do. The possibility remains that they can be interpreted through the medium of dance or by immersion in some Cutch - see pic below.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

Everybody Say 'Trouw'.......

Muckle O visited da Land o Da Bannock today (sneaking in wi'oot da necessarey paparwark), to hae a look at da Nort Roe Folk. Here is da result.

A muckle red boat at da Collafirt pier...

Its da 'Altaire'. Collafirth Pier is da Altaire's home port. The Altaire LK429, (76,43 m long - 2809GT ), is the largest of the Shetland fleet of Pelagic Trawlers. She was built for "Altaire Fishing Company Ltd." by Solstrand A/S, Vestnes , Norway, in 2004.
Onwards tae Bannockville - past the Hall, where da bannock occurrs & oot tae TroullHoull..notice da plane picter on da right...
How aboot a plane in da garden.
Everybody say 'Trouw'.... Everybody say 'Youw'.... Never say 'Clouw'...

Friday, 19 March 2010

Delting Up Helly Aa Jarl Squad - More Pictures

More pictures of the 2010 Delting Up Helly Aa Jarl Squad at Lunnasting School.

Not forgetting da banjo, fiddle, accordian & guitar players accompanying the Squad.

2010 Delting Up Helly Aa Jarl Squad at Lunnasting School - Video

2010 Delting Up Helly Aa Jarl Squad at Lunnasting School.

Its DUHA day - Delting Up Helly Aa

Pics of the 2010 Delting Up Helly Aa Jarl Squad at Lunnasting School this morning, and the Galley and Bill

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Chest Freezers Sales Soar

Skeeter Skerries has just learned of some startling white goods news...

The sale of chest freezers in Shetland has dramatically increased since the announcement was made that da Northboats sailings may be cut in winter months. This is in response to fears that panic buying will ensue the day da boat dusna sail.

On average people panic buy 7 loaves of bread, 6 pints of milk and 5 bottles of plonk if they even hear a rumour that da boat isna sailing dat night.

A spokes person for da Hydro shop said that chest freezer panic buying had reached ridiculous levels with people buying up to 4 freezers at a time ‘just in case’ safe in da knowledge that they will keep.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Muckle Ossa's Eatery Guide - Harbour Cafe, Lerwick

Peerie O and Fladda have been oot an aboot and their travels took the to the Harbour Café in Lerook. So here follows the appraisal for the O’s Gastronomic Guide. Noo Peerie O being a bit weird aboot eatin anything that has not been boiled for a least ½ an hour (PO’s Grannys best tip for a long and healthy life!!) has not sampled some of the fayre on offer at this Fast Food Emporium but has it on the authority of Muckle that they are one of the few FFE’s that actually can do crispy bacon. If you ask for that that’s what you get! However quantities can vary depending on the day. They do a large varied selection of fried breakfast stuff that you crave if it’s cold and/or have hangover and/or need saturated fat and/or your latest faddy diet which involves eating nothing but food with a name ending in “root” has made it a medical need. Lunch time again standard fayre soup, rolls, pasta and fried stuff. Fast, hot and cheap (the food). Only frozen chips - but you do get a small mountain of them when ordered. Strangely though, sometimes the food looks like what you ordered and smells like what you ordered but is void of any taste. A bit like the lip balm that Muckle favours…..

Anyhoo all important ratings.....
Staff – Neesik
Food – jellyfish mostly although sometimes it can be neesikesque…depends on the day.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Peerie Ossa's Ocassional Fashion Tips

Peerie O, as an avid Corrie fan, has made the following observation which PO believes would enhance the viewers experience. Deirdre Barlow and Gail Tilsley (PO knows….she is widow MacIntyre again, but she’ll always be Tilsley to me…there’s nearly a song in there somewhere…quick where's Jedward), should swop clothes. Gail insists on wearing chunky polo neck jumpers with no chin and big hair, but PO thinks she looks like an egg in a cup. Deirdre keeps wearing aa yun low cut things and her neck looks like the warp down’t mill. They could do us all a favour by swapping there ganseies.

Fladda & Peerie O's world breaking news update...

Da Fladda & da Peerie O have just finished their world journalism training and have noo gone 'live' wi da breaking news fae everywhare if theres diddly happening on sheltieland...heres the latest stuff. 

Hadron Collider faces closure after child traps Higgs Boson in jam jar
Henry Brown, a six year old primary school pupil from Devon is the toast of his school after trapping an elusive Higgs Boson particle in a jam jar during morning playtime today, earning him the Nobel prize for physics in the process.

Scientists from CERN, the international nuclear research facility in Switzerland, were said to be ‘humbled’ by the news and have commenced dismantling the now redundant Large Hadron Collider which was built at a cost of £2.6 billion to detect the particle and is the most complex experimental apparatus developed by mankind.

Professor Marzio Nessi from CERN said ‘well done to Henry for beating us to it. I’m sure there’s a bright future in the world of science for him, assuming of course that he doesn’t drop the jam jar and suck the entire planet into a black hole.’

Jedward dropped by Sony
It is with great sadess that Muckle Ossa announces that Sony has dropped Jedward. This will have a huge impact on the popular music culture of the world. It demonstrates the power that the large corporates have on the music that we listen too. These jolly Irish chappies will now be relegated to the X Factor netherland where Leon Jackson, Steve Brookstein and Sharon Osborn now reside…….tis indeed a dark day.

Fladda & Peerie O are talking again..

Fladda & Peerie O's ramblings over the last couple of days - start from the bottom and work up.

Found out why my application for Geeza Jaarl of the SMUHA was rejected out of hand. Apparently, I had applied to lead the South Mainland UHA when I thought it was the Soof Moofers UHA! Ha, how I larfed. Must change my name to Smiff. Snaa agin yesterday - will this global waamin never let up?
Well, looks like submersion is on the cards, a sort of involuntary severance so to speak. Perhaps Scubba would be a more appropriate name for my new position as a reef or skerry? Excavation has replace concretion pro tem. All progressing steadily, even if slightly knackering. See you about tenish - no no, not tennis, tenish.

Whilst sipping on some north atlantic, a thought has occurred to Peerie O. Climate change. If wir distant cousins melt (old Polar and Vatnajokull) then does that mean I can stop wi dis silly seafood diet???? Wi a higher sea-level mair o me will be covered…a bit like an oceanic burka really……hence I can let my waist line go a bit….bingo! Erkkkk, whit aboot Fladda though? Fladda is no very high abune da water….perhaps Fladda could become da submarine correspondent? Fladda could report on the new species dit colonised Muckles leg….(an between me and you there are a few there already that most self respecting sea features would have had treated if you know what I mean…).

Muckle O is incognito watchin SMUHA….I believe hoidin ahint Cousin Colsay……Muckle is aiye hed a bit o a thing for Colsay….flibbertygibbert I say!! Peerie O is indignant.
Fladda are you listening????

Sunday, 14 March 2010

End o da SMUHA Galley......

Muckle O went in search of any remnants o da SMUHA Galley today - fae salvage or souvenirs. But du kens - there was nae trace a vaa dat da burning had even taken place at da St. Ninians Tombolo - apart fae lots o tracks in da sand.

Just as Muckle O was aboot tae give up - here it was - da burned oot shell o da SMUHA galley - rescued fae da waves & probably destined fae da dump......

So aaall dats left is a burned oot keel ad a few torches. Here's looking forward tae next years galley.

Wooohooo - Muckle O's pics are featured on Shetlopedia

Gae te Shetlopedia tae see a selection o Muckle O's SMUHA pics......du kens it makes sense.

Mair SMUHA Pictures

Heres some squad pictures fae da evening @ da Sanick Social Club - an excellent night. There are a few of the 'Yellow Fever' squad as they were wan of, if not de, best squad o da nite. Most of the da squads were excellent, although it has tae be said that twa or tree were bizzarre & quite frankly tripe du kens.......

Squad 17 - Chinese Takeawayover.

Squad 18 - Strictly Not Dancing.

Canna Mind whit deese were.
Squad 11 - King of the Swing.
Squad Dancing.
Squad No 2 - Yellow Fever (da best o da neet).
Squad 19 - Da Prunk Bollowints.

Squad No 8 - I Saw the Light.