Aaaal sorts aa stuff fae Sheltie land....
includes stuff fae Muckle Ossa, Little Ossa and Fladda.....
and any guest stacks, holms, geo's, kame's, baaaas, headlands, voes, firths, lochs, lighthouses, etc.

Monday, 26 April 2010

Simon King’s Shetland Diaries

A review of the above has been brought to the attention of Muckle O - here it is........

Though the concept isn’t new sending a well known TV personality off somewhere to live like the natives do there’s a certain something that makes this new show very watchable.

We saw the perennially happy Springwatch presenter Simon King taking himself, his wife and young daughter off to live in Shetland for a year, primarily so that Simon could be near the otters that live in large numbers there.

And why not; Shetland is beautiful. It’s got a Wuthering Heights feel to the scenery and there’s the added bonus of having some rather spectacular flora and fauna which includes the otters of course but also whales, gannet, terns and sea urchins.

When it begins to spit rain, you can almost guarantee it’s going to be shortly followed by horizontal driving rain, the sort that gets you wet through, and may well be accompanied by winds so strong, you may not be able to stand up. The sort that may blow you to your death.

However, the King family are the dictionary definition of perfect, so they’re emotionally well equipped to deal with adversity. Simon and Marguerite have a mutual admiration club going on that’s touching to see, and their daughter Savannah is a beautiful little girl in whom a love of nature and all its faces is being nurtured.

But there were times in the show when it seemed that choosing Shetland for something of a sabbatical / busman’s holiday looked like a very bad plan if you have a young child. For instance, there was a tense moment when it looked like the family and their car might well get swept into a swollen and potentially lethal burn which was at least just above welly boot deep.

In addition he very nearly became stranded for the night on the island of Noss after attaching some 'Gannet Cams' after dangling from ropes halfway down some very large cliffs (not a good idea). It was apparently a fate worse than death if they didnt get off the island before dark as the Noss monsters would have emerged and eaten them all.

And their hunt for a suitable home didn’t go so well either, with two being entirely unsuitable for a couple with a young child and the third which they eventually chose being custom built for midgets apparently.

In fact, the downsides to living on Shetland are legion; there are few, if any, inside loos, it’s dark for around eleven and a half months a year and being a neighbour of the North Pole, though Father Christmas may make it his first port of call, few other people do. So it’s lonely, isolated, freezing cold and miserable. But again, it’s beautiful. Enigmatically so.

But wherever there’s beauty in nature, there’s a flip side of brutality too, and that became apparent when an arctic tern was injured and a call to the RSPB drew the conclusion that Simon should put it out of its misery, so he did.

However, there was beauty again in the otters and they are Simon’s real passion. He enthused about them so much, it was quite infectious. And they were very sweet to watch as they enjoyed a feast of crab and frolicked in the shallows.

Shetland is now officially renamed SimonKingsLand.

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Women to blame for earthquakes, says Iran cleric

A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear revealing clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes.

Iran is one of the world's most earthquake-prone countries, and the cleric's unusual explanation for why the earth shakes follows a prediction by the president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, that a quake is certain to hit Tehran and that many of its 12 million inhabitants should relocate.

A scantily-clad muckle wife - probably capable of causing the earth to move.

"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes," Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi was quoted as saying by Iranian media. Women in the Islamic Republic are required by law to cover from head to toe, but many, especially the young, ignore some of the more strict codes and wear tight coats and scarves pulled back that show much of the hair. "What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble?"

Wonder Wife - definitely makes the earth move.

Sedighi asked during a prayer sermon last week. "There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam's moral codes." Seismologists have warned for at least two decades that it is likely the sprawling capital will be struck by a catastrophic quake in the near future. Some experts have even suggested Iran should move its capital to a less seismically active location. Tehran straddles scores of fault lines, including one more than 50 miles long, though it has not suffered a major quake since 1830......

Suitably attired wifeys (possibly women), apparently NOT causing earthquakes.

so there you have it - read the rest of the article here

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Peerie Ossa's Observations

The first poses the question “At what concentration is volcanic ash considered to no longer pose a threat to aircraft engines?” You might assume the answer would contain some sort of milligrams per meter cubed notation or mentions of particle size such as PM 10s or 2.5s but you would be wrong. The concentrations seem to be completely irrelevant and the measurement of this parameter actually is “When the safety precaution of grounding flights for safety reasons begins to exceed £6,000,000 (six million) per day. Once this cost bar is breached it is completely safe to fly again…although no guarantees on how far you will get…

Next PO observation. PO was watching the Scottish Political Debate last night (PO had seen last nights Scrubs episode before) and interestingly discovered that according to Jim Murphy, Scottish Labour, not only did Saddam Hussain slaughter 10s of thousands of Kurds after the first Iraqi war, he apparently also slaughtered “Kruds.” PO thought Mr Murphy had perhaps mispronounced or that POs hearing was failing, but he repeated the word and indeed he was speaking about the “Kruds.” In fact his first political activity was to attend a rally at George Square in Glasgow to protest about the slaughter of the “Kruds.” PO is saying no more on this issue other than “In the name of Neptune…”

Peerie O

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Newsreaders & Volcanoes

Peerie O and Ramnastack have observed that nobody ont news has tried to actually tried to pronounce the name of the “Iceland Volcano” in this event the intrepid seafeatures have done a bit of research and have found the phonetic breakdown of the name….all together and slowly….”Ay-ya-fya-tla-yuh-ktl” sort of rolls of the tongue like volcanic dust.

Peerie O

Monday, 19 April 2010

"Up Helly Aa" Shetland Islands Scots Viking invasion history - or just 'transvestite Tuesday', uhh?

"Up Helly Aa" Shetland Islands Scots Viking invasion history - or just 'transvestite Tuesday', uhh?

Skeeter Skerries is in the thick of it

Skeeter Skerries is in the thick of it. Attempting for the second time to go on holiday Skeeter has yet again been thwarted. The last attempt ended in most unfortunate circumstance when a cluster of barnacles on Skeeter flared up and had to be removed resulting in Skeeter being under the weather for several weeks and unable to take the vacation.

Not deterred Skeeter then embarked on organising another vacation, this time going to visit our good old pal down under, the Great Barrier Reef. The first thing that happened was GBR had an oil tanker crash into it covering it in oil thus GBR was not receiving visitors. Skeeter sent condolences but thought perhaps to visit the 7 Apostles…however is now stuck sooth due to Eyjafjallajökull.

Perhaps Skeeter should just stay whare Skeeter is meant to be….when Skeeter moves something bad usually happens……

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Peerie O's take on da Volcano

Gadzooks, Muckle and Flad. What is this??? Here was me thinking that MO had beans and cabbage for tea last night..but no it’s far more serious. I do hope that this ash does not start to fall down, else what little girss I have on my head will be smothered ….this does fear not concern Flad though. On the other hand, you may recall tha PO had a premonition on 16 March, only I got the glacier wrong. I said Cousin Vatnajokell however it was old Cousin Gigjokell. Didn’t really know him that well, a bit strange…quiet like. No wonder I suppose, sitting on a volcano for all this time. Anyhoo, what if theres more??? This sea level is getting a bit of a concern…Muckle, could you throw Flad a line to attach to. Flad you might want to start brushing up on your submarine lingo.

FYI MO and Flad, this does not mean you can start consuming beans and cabbage.
Perrie O

A comment on recent volcanic activity courtesy of Kjurkul

Stupid volcano, I liked it this mornin, cool volcanic action nearby, stinkin up the place. But not now. We can fly to the moon but we still can't stop volcanic ash from messin up air-plane engines. Im ashamed to be human. What engineers been doin all these years, sittin about baskin in the glory of some crappy bridges they've designed. We dont need bridges, we need planes darn it!

Fae kjurkul (upper)

Maritime Emergency Services on High Alert

The forthcoming national election has triggered the Maritime Emergency Services to raise their operational status to ‘Super Red’ – the highest ranking – putting all areas into extreme vigilance mode.

A spokesperson said, “It’s always like this on a run-up to Election Day and, whilst we do know what to expect, it does cause us a lot of extra work and planning. All staff leave has been cancelled and extra personnel have been drafted in, including recently retired professional rescuers.

“The problem is caused by the huge increase in floating voters who always appear as soon as the electioneering machine swings into action. Many floaters are well aware of the risks posed by the natural elements but many do feel out of their depth, even in inland waters. The biggest risk is that many soon find themselves in over their heads and soon become so disillusioned that they need to be rescued before ennui sets in. Most, thankfully however, survive on their own and are fully recovered by 10.00 pm on Election Day.

“Of course they still remain a significant hazard to shipping and we would ask masters of all vessels to be on the lookout for these persons. They can be distinguished from the usual rescuee by their pale face, blank look and flapping arms; often heard to be muttering ‘What’s the effing point?’

“Whilst they will be ok left to their own devices, on no account should anyone utter the word ‘manifesto’, nor approach whilst wearing a rosette. This will cause them to immediately loose the will to live. Organisers of Gymkhanas have been notified accordingly.

“I would urge the public not to take any chances and report all sightings of people apparently in distress. We have had the odd floater suddenly change their mind and decide to vote for a candidate. This causes the individual to suddenly become aware of their surroundings, panicking to the point of needing instant rescue.”

I wish all the Emergency Services personnel a safe and quiet Election period.

“As a precaution, I would ask all floating voters to ensure that they wear a life-preserver/jacket at all times, carry a whistle, torch, two-way radio and wear a hard hat with the letters FV clearly marked in bold black Arial font 360 on the front. You can’t compromise where safety is concerned.”

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Of Spiders, Telephones and Trams

Fladda has been pondering's the latest to Perrie O.

Dear Perrie Ossa,

Oh what a tale I have to tell. Settle down with a cup of coffee, put you feet up, take the phone off the hook – now read on……….

My eagerly awaited May edition of ‘Arachnid Monthly’ popped through the letterbox on Saturday and so there followed a very relaxing morning absorbing the latest antics of ants, tics and spiders. The centre-fold had a very fetching specimen with intriguing wrinkly legs galore; apparently a native of Yorkshire, the Arachnora Battycus has legs that would do justice to best Steinway. Pity about where the staples pierce the photo, but never mind.

My eyes eventually fell upon the Web page where stories of spiders’ activities abound. In particular, a submission from a Crawley member, ‘westcountryspiderman’ (rather original – not!), caught my attention and got the old synapses firing. He reports that the Edinburgh Tram project has been yet further delayed; this time due to spiders’ webs causing havoc with the microelectronic gadgetry that will (eventually) control the driverless trams. Clearly this is of some concern;

1, the safety of the system may be compromised;

2, no-one had mentioned the trams would be driverless before this; and

3, the highly likely scenario of the Morningside populous being confronted by a tram apparently being drive by a spider just doesn’t bear thinking about.

So, the whole Edinburgh tram fiasco is dropping further behind schedule, so much so that Tony Robinson is eager to do a series about it.

However, what got me going was the reference to the article’s headline ‘Scotland’s first tram system in Web of Intrigue’. Now, it isn’t the first tram system, oh no, not by a long shot chummy. So, I though I’d do a bit of research into which was really the first tram system in Scotland. Lo and behold there’s a Shetland connection.

We must now go back in time – no, not Tardis wise, just in your mind – to a time even before Clive’s record shop actually sold records, Wagon Wheels were made by Westons and were the size of real covered wagon wheels, Alistair Cooke’s Letter from America was written on tissue like blue paper, and – well, you get the idea.

A time when everyone believed that the earth was flat and everyone wanted to travel to those places far off that they could easily see, especially those residents close to sea shores who only had the odd passing galley to block their view of other lands. Indeed, from the top of the Aberdeen lighthouse Shetland could be seen easily on a clear day. (Orkney couldn’t be seen as Peterhead Power Station was in the way). Lighthouses were still needed because nights in those times were still fairly dark. Of course, the display of all these lighthouse lights around Europe was like Blackpool and Morecambe illuminations to an Aberdonian. Aberdonians had no reason therefore to go to Lancashire to see the real illuminations – there were no trains or buses anyway, even on a weekday. Interestingly, both Blackpool and Morecambe had their respective illuminations erected and paid for by the government of the day as a way of deterring the Irish from contemplating an invasion of England. The lights appeared to come from many lighthouse beacons, thus giving the illusion that England was many times larger than it really was – seems to have worked.

I digress, back to the trams.

A bright spark in Aberdeen spotted an opportunity to cut out the expensive and time consuming stage coach journeys to Shetland by building a tram link. (Remember, the ice age had frozen the sea around the isles of Europe) The good burghers of Aberdeen ever eager to steal a march on those folks ‘daan saaf’ in Edinburgh endorsed the project wholeheartedly and commissioned a flag-day to raise funds.

Thus, the Aberdeen Tram North Link project was born. Work proceeded apace and in no time at all the overhead cable was erected on poles across the ice, connecting the Beach Boulevard to Jarlshof. Jarlshof was picked because it, and Scatness, were at the heart of the Copper Age development which, coupled with Shetland’s tradition of spinning fine threads, lent itself to ensuring a continuous supply of copper wire.

All went well and soon the first trams were running successfully between Marks and Spencer’s and Cordona’s Amusements. The tracks were then extended onto the ice, heading for Shetland. However, the tides in Aberdeen kept cracking the ice and the rails were constantly shifting out of alignment. Despite many attempts to get the ice floes to stay put, including using vast quantities of ‘No Nails’ procured from Pegfix, the project soon folded. Not to be deterred, our Aberdonian entrepreneur thought he’d try a trolleybus system, thereby doing away with the need for tracks and rails etc. ‘Brilliant’ shouted the near bankrupt burghers, and so another flag-day was hastily arranged. A second, parallel, copper wire was quickly erected alongside the tram wire, giving the two-wire configuration needed by trolleybuses. The project was back on track (umm, well you know what I mean).

I have to get a bit technical here, but it is important to the story. The wire had to be kept under constant tension to take up expansion and contraction resulting from sunshine, big galleys accidentally ploughing into the wire before being catapulted back to Viking direct, etc. This tensioning was effected by winding the wires around an old whisky vat at the Aberdeen end. The vats being filled with redundant bag pipes (a result of Cromwell banning enjoyment and merry making). The tension on the wires being adjusted by the playing of different weighted tunes on the bagpipes as necessary. Cromwell’s mirth inspectors allowed this ‘music’ playing as it was part of an industrial process: also, it was debatable whether bagpipes were remotely musical in the true sense of the word anyway!

The wires at the Shetland end were simply nailed to the nearest broch.

Back to the story………

The first trolleybuses were ordered from DeeBay and a trolley traffic control centre erected and staffed at the Shetland landfall. Everything was looking rosy, Lerwick Copper Band were booked, the Ness Boating Club was suitably festooned with bunting, the SMUHA Guizer Jarl and his Galley were quickly invented and Sumburgh Airport runway was turned into a carriage and buggy park for the grand opening day. Aeroplanes had not yet been invented, so no safety issues - before you ask, smarty!

Then, disaster!

The government, driven by an EEC directive, were forced to bring in legislation banning the flat earth thinking and making the globe theory mandatory (well, flat earth warming or flat earth climate change doesn’t have the same ring, does it?). Overnight the whole project was thrown into disarray. Trolleybuses would no longer be able see each other approaching and thus could not take early evasive action, especially at night when the lighthouse lights would blot out the ‘buses headlights. And, as global warming could now take off like wildfire, the ice melted.

The trolleybuses ended their days being hauled by horses around Aberdeen, becoming the first public omnibuses in Scotland. The trams continued to ply the route between Marks and the Beach, later extended to Dyce in readiness for the invention of the aeroplane by Torvil and Dean. First trams in Scotland!

So endeth the tram and trolleybus saga – but, read on – its gets more intriguing.

Now, whilst the trolley wires were being disconnected at the Aberdeen end, the gathered crowd at Jarlshof were nevertheless making merry anyway – after all, it had been declared a Moneylenders Holiday and it would have been daft not to enjoy it. One nosey parker found himself in the trolley traffic control centre (now the interpretive centre) looking at the Shetland end of the electric paraphernalia. Standing in awe, he slipped his ear trumpet which landed across the two copper wires, causing a short – the wires had some residual current generated by the earth’s magnetic field (the earth, now being a globe, had acquired two magnetic poles). At that exact self same moment the technician in Aberdeen was busy emptying the ex whisky vat of its load of bagpipes, The groans and squeals of the intoxicated bagpipes were, unbeknown to the technician, being turned into electrical waves travelling down the wires. The slightly deaf, nosey Shetlander mistook the crackles as a call from his brother seeking his whereabouts. He therefore called back, “Is dat dee, boy?” The Aberdonian, having his head in the vat, heard this as clear as a bell and responded, “Aye, am Dee man, fit like”. Both men were unaware that these few spoken words had come from each other miles apart. Baffled by this interchange both men merely carried on about their business totally unaware of the significance of their recent vocal exchange.

And so history had been made – the first telephonic communication had been made by a Shetlander. No written record of this momentous occasion exists and its occurrence was only noted by word of mouth, being recounted at family gatherings around great log fires in homes all over Shetland, even to this very day. Others may have taken the glory, but we locals know better!

What became of the wires and poles?

Well, the earth’s new curvature put a tremendous extra strain on the wires which, coupled with the new metric system which increased distances tremendously, led to a catastrophic failure including much twanging for days after. Of the poles that didn’t sink to the sea bottom or float off to the two earth poles, some went to a museum in Warsaw (still there) whilst others were fashioned by Shetlanders into frames for drying sheep skins. These contraptions proved far superior to the traditional wooden frames and became much sought after by crofters throughout the isles. So much so that Harry’s department broch decide to stock both types and would happily offer both to prospective purchasers. The broch assistant would enquire, “Dus doo want a widden een or a tram pole een?” The response was more often that not, “Aye’ll tak the trampoleen.” Hopefully you can see where this is now going.

Correct. Over time the drying device became the thing that kids love jumping up and down on when their parents aren’t looking, and turned into the modern blue/black broch shaped plastic contraption that no self respecting Fjogstad front green would be without.

Of the wire? Who knows; but there are lots of ‘bronze age’ bracelets being dug up on a regular basis throughout the north east and Shetland. I wonder!



Friday, 9 April 2010

New Element Discovered

According to a totally unsubstantiated rumor making the rounds, a major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

Tentatively named "Administratium," the element has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

Peerie O discusses Clark & The Sun

Peerie does not like to court controversy, but PO feels that the vicious rumour The Sun is putting about re Mr Clark and his partner should be corrected. Although The Sun has pictures of the couple in what appears to a Canary Island , Peerie O believes this to be photoshopped. In fact PO believes that they are in fact in Manchester.

This can be verified by the eagle eyed followers of Coronation Street who were watching last Monday night, when Mr Clark himself appeared in the Rovers Return just behind Dev the shop keeper who was out having a pint with his mates, Ashley the butcher and Peter the recovering alcoholic while Rita and Audrey, the mature glamourpusses, were having a cat fight over an “escort.”

Peerie Ossa loves CS.

Thursday, 8 April 2010


Neeeeow dan......

Tinklea Geo has informed MO that they have observed “pamphleteering” occurring on “da street.” MO and Co (unable to get aff site), were curious whether this pamphlets were of a spiritual or political content..or was it just discount vouchers for Breiwicks Banacle Blasting services….

MO has tried this service before and although you get a smooth finish on the day, they come back twice as much and thicker and harder. MO prefers to smear grease below the water mark which stops the little blighters getting a grip in the first place. MO would advise that this method might be deployed in order to stop “prospective” members from getting a tight grip on you and boring you to rigidity when you are trying to get to Tesco/Coop. You should also smear any children in your charge with grease just in case.

MO is aggrieved that they have been missed by the Electoral Register therefore will not be voting. Consider MO to be in a huff re politicing and pamphleteering.


Muckle O wis intruiged as to when a 'pamphlet' became a 'booklet', a 'brochure', a 'folder', a 'leaflet' dis could be vital information for any budding pamphleteer.  The definition is....a pamphlet is:

1. An unbound printed work, usually with a paper cover.
2. A short essay or treatise, usually on a current topic, published without a binding.

a picture of a 'pamphlet'

the word pamphlet is derived from several sources - in Middle English it is pamflet, from Medieval Latin pamfletus, from Pamphiletus, diminutive of Pamphilus, amatory Latin poem of the 12th century, from Greek pamphilos, beloved by all : pan-, pan- + philos, beloved.
So du kens - tae summarise.......  

  • pamphlet - a small book usually having a paper cover.

  • booklet - a small bound book or pamphlet, usually having a paper cover.

  • brochure - a small booklet or pamphlet, often containing promotional material or product information.

  • leaflet - a printed, usually folded handbill or flier intended for free distribution.

  • book - a written work or composition that has been published (printed on pages bound together).

  • blue book - a blue booklet used in universities for writing examinations.

  • ticket book - a book of tickets that can be torn out and used.

  • babbling brook - not a book at all - mainly comprised of water.

  • dirty look - an unpleasant or disdainful look or expression, often directed at someone.

  • donna nook - a bombing range on the coast of Lincolnshire, England, north of the village of North Somercotes. The area is salt marsh, and is used by the numerous Royal Air Force bases in Lincolnshire for bombing practice; known as RAF Donna Nook. The resident locals and associated wildlife fare surprisingly well, and seem to have become accustomed to aircraft bombing them on a regular basis.

  • captain hook - a fictional character created by the author JM Barrie. The character appeared in several of Barrie’s Peter Pan novels and has perhaps become most famous as the comical and cowardly arch villain in the Disney film version of Peter Pan. In the Barrie version Captain Hook is the arch enemy of Peter Pan - the boy who will never grow up. Here he is a more fearsome villain, reputed to have been the Bosun of the infamous pirate Blackbeard and the only man that Long John Silver was scared of. Captain Hook hates Peter Pan so much because he was the reason behind him losing his hand (which he had replaced with a hook as was common at the time). Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile which now follows him around obsessively as it wants to eat more of him! He uses his hook to good effect however as (according to the author) he likes nothing better than plunging it into his enemies........

World's Largest Fire Festival In Shetland Isles Re-Starts Global Warming!

The world's largest fire festival, Up-Helly-Aa, held on the last Tuesday of January in the Shetland Islands town of Lerwick in the far north of Scotland when 1,000 men dressed as Vikings parade the streets brandishing flaming torches, is believed to have re-started global warming.

The annual festival culminates in the burning of a replica Viking longship that leads the massive parade of torch-lit modern day Vikings. All 1,000 blazing wooden torches are thrown into the ship amid cheers and enthusiastic Victorian-styled singing.

As you can imagine, all this blatant disregard for the environment pumps tons of carbon into the Shetland night sky to add to the overload already there.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) have been worried lately because global warming has ceased to be for the past 10 years. In fact, there is compelling evidence that the planet has actually been cooling over this time. Now, however, scientists say there is early, but encouraging evidence that this year's Up-Helly-Aa has re-started global warming.

This is really good news for the many climate scientists whose lives depend on research grants to study climate change. With a stagnant situation over the past 10 years when temperatures may even have fallen slightly, research grant money has been increasingly hard to come by. Now, however, as a result of this year's Up-Helly-Aa, it's all go again with the gravy train back on track.

The IPCC are considering nominating the Lerwick Up-Helly-Aa committee for next year's Nobel Piece (of crap) Prize for their outstanding contribution to hard up scientists.

Story by Caspar

Friday, 2 April 2010

Windy Farm Milly Generatory thingies

Why is aaa'body banging on aboot WINDMILLS coming tae Shetland.

They are NOT windmills - they are ...........
or WINDY TURB IN IES du kens.

Get a grip will deee...

WINDYMILLS are great muckle things foond doon sooth and have muckle stones in dem and grind wheat & other stuff to make da floor to make da bread.

AERO GEN ERA TORS are tall thin white things that roam around 'da banks' feeding on da grinded up peat and birds and anyting else flying aboot them to make da electricity for da electric breadmakers..

To make things easier for de populus who is still confused heres da picters and da  identifiaction criteria stuff to help.


Notice da muckle holes in da blades - a dead giveaway - allows da birds to fly straight through da blades wioot gettin chopped tae bits and providing food for the ever increasing Zetland FOX population. Also notice dat fat base with windies in - for windy miller to look oot of and make da wadder assessments. Also - they are NEVER found on da peat banks - its too much like hard work to get them there.

And here he is - at his own windymill.

It is also a common fact that Windy Miller is always aboot at the base a da windymills - he comes oot da box specially.  An - da windymills make a special noise dat is pleasing - watch da vid & see.


See da difference - THESE ARE ALL WHITE AND THIN, they DONT have Windy Miller at da bottom, are ONLY EVER found on da peat banks (as it is their favourite food), and usually have packs of FOXES milling (i mean loitering) aroond da base waiting for da chopped up birdies, baloonists, paragliderists, light aircrafties, sky canooeists etc. tae drop tae da ground chopped by da blades. 

Windy Miller however, played a clever blinder earlier this century by patenting 'wind farms'. He now earns twa groats, a chicken, 2 llamas (or wilderbeest if unavailable), and a variable length of rubber tubing for every windy farm coming into existence. A clever fellow with great foresight oor windy.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

The Chip Shop Door Width Regulations 2010 are here......

This new legislation could hae astounding consequences fae da greasy chippers o da zetland. Apparently though oor Tav is already on da case looking for a Shetland exemption.

010 No. 123

The Public Health etc. (Scotland) Act 2008
The Chip Shop Door Width Regulations 2010


Made 12 January 2010
Laid before the Scottish Parliament 17 March 2010
Coming into force 1 April 2010

The Scottish Ministers make the following Regulations in exercise of the powers conferred by section 3(4) and section 5(4) of the Public Health etc. (Scotland) Act 2008 and all other powers enabling them to do so.

In accordance with section 4 of that Act regarding the duty of Local Authorities to protect Public Health, they have consulted such persons as they consider appropriate.

Citation, commencement and interpretation
1.—(1)These Regulations may be cited as the Public Health etc. (Scotland) Act 2008 Chip Shop (Door Width) Regulations 2010 and shall come in to force on 1st April 2010.

(2) In these Regulations— "Chips” mean a potato product comprising pieces of whole or reconstituted potato subjected to a cooking process which raises the temperature of the outer surface to greater than 100°C by immersion or other overall surface contact with oil or fat and sold in its cooked and ready to eat state.

“Chip Shop” and "Premises" mean any catering outlet, whether static or mobile, where chips may be purchased for consumption either on or off the premises.

“Chip Shop Owner” means the person having control of a chip shop.

“Chip Shop Door” means the opening through which customers must pass before making a purchase of chips.

"Prohibited Person" means any person unable to pass unaided through a chip shop door but does not include persons able to enter but unable to leave.

Chip Shop Doors
2. No chip shop door shall exceed 40 cm at any point as measured horizontally between the posts of its frame. It shall be the duty of the chip shop owner to ensure that compliance with these Regulations is not to the detriment of the requirements of Sections 53 and 54 of the Fire (Scotland) Act 2005.

Offences of Chip Shop Owners
3. Subject to 7, it shall be an offence for a chip shop owner to—
(1) Operate a chip shop where the width of the chip shop door exceeds the requirements of Regulation 2.
(2) Supply chips to any person unable to enter the premises by the chip shop door.
(3) Allow customers to enter the premises by any means other than the chip shop door.
(4) Supply chips to a person buying chips on behalf of a person without obtaining a declaration from that person to the effect that the chips will not be supplied to any person who, for the reasons above, would be unable to purchase chips on their own behalf.
(5) Knowingly supply chips to a person buying chips on behalf of a person unable to pass through a chip shop door.

Offences of Prohibited Persons
4. It shall be an offence for a prohibited person to—
(1) Purchase chips from a chip shop.
(2) Solicit or entice another person to purchase chips on their behalf.
(3) Receive help from another person to pass through a chip shop door.
(4) Wear any kind of surgical appliance for the purpose of passing through a chip shop door.
(5) Loiter in the vicinity of a chip shop with intent.

Offences of Other Persons
5. It shall be an offence for a person purchasing chips to—
(1) Make a false declaration as to the intended final consumer of any chips taken off the premises.
(2) Knowingly purchase chips for a prohibited person.
(3) Smuggle chips sold for consumption on the premises out of the premises with a view to supplying them to a prohibited person. Smuggle includes secreting chips about the person and requesting a doggy bag with malicious intent.

Special Provisions for Mobile Shops and Stalls
6. Where the nature of premises are such that customers are unable to enter, the chip shop owner shall provide a portable device in front of his premises through which customers must pass as if it were in compliance within Regulation 3.

7. It shall be a defence for a chip shop owner to show that any person found on their premises in contravention of Regulation 2 (3) is in possession of a current written certification from a medical practitioner confirming that they have a medical condition which precludes them from passing through a chip shop door.

For the purpose of this regulation, the relevant medical conditions are—
(a) Advanced pregnancy
(b) Glandular problems
(c) Big bones
In which case they may be permitted to enter by the back door.

8. The Fruit and Vegetable Shop (Door Width) Regulations 2009 are revoked.

A member of the Scottish Executive
St. Andrew's House, Edinburgh
1 April 2010

(This note is not part of the Regulations)

Section 4 of the Public Health etc. (Scotland) Act 2008 places a duty on Local Authorities to protect Public Health. These regulations target one of the main causes of ill health by controlling its effect on the vulnerable by placing an upper limit on the size of people able to buy chips.