MUCKLE OSSA's BLOG

Aaaal sorts aa stuff fae Sheltie land....
includes stuff fae Muckle Ossa, Little Ossa and Fladda.....
and any guest stacks, holms, geo's, kame's, baaaas, headlands, voes, firths, lochs, lighthouses, etc.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Panto Tickets (or lack thereof)

Wasted time…weeks and weeks of wasted time!

MO, PO and Flad have practiced and practiced for our display (involving the knackered windturbine on a trailer, a saaat piltock and the enormous kishe…remember??) Po has not slept for practicing. I really believed that this would be the vector for my mime skills to get noticed on the world stage…or at least a bit part in the Fetlar film…but no. It’s not that we were not ready…in fact we did the first display last week. But did anyone see it???? Did they??? NOOOOOOOO.

Why I hear you ask? Well apparently when the great Sheltieland pooblic tried to buy tickets they were sold out. You couldn’t get one for love nor money…..But who were they sold to? Nobody the O’s have spoken to seems to know anyone with a ticket…..unless…unless…..I KNEW IT, FELTAR HAS SABOTAGED THE WHOLE THING AND BLOCK BOOKED ALL THE TICKETS ON THE COMPUTERMEBOB! OOOH, SUBTERFUGE AFOOT! WAIT TILL I SEE HER….Whats that MO? Who was in charge of tickets sales?

Oh, I see, that explains a lot.


Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Its been a while......

Greetings Ossa fans!

We are still here although very busy with Christmas decorations and stuff. Muckle has been trying to unrivfel da fairy lights, Flad is baking cakes and making puddings and PO has been in negotiation with a certain creative organisation re an exhibition on the Ossas involving a knackered wind turbine on a trailer which never works, saat piltocks and an enormous kishe. PO can say no more at the moment but it will be spectacular if it comes off. Other folks might call it fly tipping…we call it art! Anyhoo, thar she blows and all that. PO was sure she saw a narwhal this morning swimming around the iceberg just benort Muckles leg. This is of course the harbinger of wadder!! In the words of Grind o da Navir “Git oot your oilcasts hits a hell o a fore….” Po has not got that right….

Innyhoo, Po is donning her soowaster backwards…parently da wadder is comin fae da noraest. Aaaha, just getting da first snaa on Ossa Towers skylight. PO feels festive!!!

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Da Mareel.........


Where to start.....

Mareel.......

Peerie O is very excited about the Mareel opening......

PO was delighted to see that the ARTs Trust (AT) was thinking ahead and trying to buy stock prior to the VAT increase. Money saving ideas seem to be paramount in the AT. What kind of grub/drink can the general minions be expecting for a £30,000 stock starter? Must be very fancy and hopfully not the “traditional” reesited parsnip surprise with a side of saaaaaat herring porridge that they serve in the Muesum….not that PO is critisising…it’s just that the stuff they serve up in the museum was the stuff your general starving Shetlandic trow ate when they was nothing else 100 years ago! As soon as the first deep fat fryer hit the shores (it was apparently powered by a 200m high wind turbine and nobody complained then!) it wis ower da banks wi da saatin barrel, reestit tees wir flung oot da door and the smell o freshly fried haddocks pervaded da air….

PO digresses.....Mareel.....

Keep it simple and try to make hame made chips, get it to the table the same day as it is ordered and make sure that a bank loan is not required to pay for it. However, looking at the projections on the profits from the food/drink/an snacks, a rough calculation prices fish and chips at £102.40, a pint at £64.25 and a bag of crisps at £25.

Another thing, why in the name of Neptune did arty types from London have to be deployed to advertise the box? As PO has observed over the past millennia, Sheltieland is a rock hundreds of miles from anything. Putting the box on the “world stage” seems a bit bizarre, unless of course they intend to charge peeps for looking at pictures on the Internet…..another pile of money well spent. Never mind if those old uncharitable peeps won’t hand over the money this week…they will next week…but you know that. And even if they don’t you always have the contingency fund....remember? Whats that ? Oh you’ve spent that already! Well then look to the 496 “Friends of Mareel” they will help. You could run a competition…The M Factor….The person who gives the most M(oney) is the winner and will have their face engraved 30 ft high on da North Gable!!


Enough o da Mareel......Atween Wadders.....strangely PO has not been contacted yit with regards the part of being a sea swept rock where the hero/heroine meets there grizzly end (or not!). Recall that PO is a certified Mime artist.....whats that Muckle?? I said MIME Muckle, MIME!!!!


Monday, 1 November 2010

Long time in comin

Well, sorry for the absence but it seems that Muckle and Flad are incapable of putting promontory to keyboard.

Da night an day ir changing noo and hit no ower land afore POs favourite season…..Christmas. PO is serious here. How else could you get troo da winter without prezzies, grub and an excuse for limitless daytime drinking! Hooray!!!

Po was thinkin dit MO, PO and Flads fairy light wir lookin a bit tattered (especially after da last weekend westerly and given dit when MO is pittin dem awa each year he always just flings dem in da Christmas deco cave willy nilly).

Anyhoo, hit brought thoughts o previous happy years wi MO, PO, Flad and Longa Tonga makin dir wye ta Chris Hodges Xmas Tat Emporium and buying cheap but strangely compelling illuminated stars, santies and reindeer dit ran backwards (you aa saa it on da side o the warehouse) etc.


These have been used to festoon Ossa Towers for many a long year, wi Longa Tonga finding a niche in getting lights ta wirk dit shoulda been pittin tae da Rova Head….which reminds me…must send card dis year now dit Rova has had her head restored.

Anyhoo, this brings me ta my nixt point….whar do you get chaep and distasteful decos fae noo? You can get as muckle expensive and distasteful decos as you can shake a blade o war at…bit nae chaep eens.

PO really wishes dit dey had purchased dat Inflatable Santee Jackindabox Snowstorm when we had da chance….i didna mak dat up dey wire en…at Hodges XT Emporium!!!!


ps. As mentioned previously, PO was sending Rova a card as her head had been restored….Rova replied immediately. It read.”I’m back!! Thankyou for kind greetings PO, MO and Flad. Feeling much better now and all I can say is Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy! Happy Easter!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

its rathergood........com

A snippet from the excellent rathergood.com


& also this more relevant Shetland one, although it was removed from rathergood due to copyright of the zeppelin track


Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Monday, 13 September 2010

Things are not always what they seem...

Fladda and Po decided to venture into business. Looking for suitable failsafe money spinners they happened upon two dead certs: car repairs – humans are forever bumping into things with their fragile tin boxes; and funereal accoutrements – everyone has a death experience at some point. Veritable cash cows if ever there were any! After careful thought they decided that their talents could thus be put to good use in auto body repair, with the emphasis on funeral cars. We believed that Gairs and Stronachs had much to fear as we were very good and cheap…I mean how hard could it be? After due consideration we named our company.....


Autobody Repairs
Bespoke Hearse Refurbishments


What we lacked in catchy name creation we put into our exempliary work, thus in order to drum up a bit of business we set off to cruise around the toon in our souped up Morris Marina emblazoned with our companies working title and phone number, now, due to cost constraints we had to use those sticky letters which you take the back off to reveal the sticky side (Muckle had these in large supply after buying a box of miscellania from the Shetland Auction Rooms). PO has instructed Flad to make sure that the side of the Marina was dry to ensure maximum adheasion, however Flad was so excited that perhaps Flad was not as diligent as might necessarily be required. Anyhoo, Po digesses after a day of cruising we went home and waited for the flood of phone calls….which we did get, however these were mostly of an inappropriate nature, except the recorded “get out of debt now” message. After an evening where Flad and Po were in turn terminally embarassed and shocked, PO decided to check the Marina to see what could be misconstrued from the very clear company slogan. Imagine POs horror when PO found that, due to Flads excitement, several of the letters had fallen off. This explained immediately the type of requests/suggestions they had endured. The A, U, T, O, H and E had fallen off. PO and Flad have since had to change their phone number and are thus out of pocket…..and haven’t repaired a single car!

Autobody Repairs
Bespoke Hearse Refurbishments


The lesson here is…
Things are not always what they seem. You should never judge a book by its cover and if you are doing something, do it right the first time!!!!

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Best Job in the World.......

PO has only just read of the new Bird Warden and family who will be taking up residence on Fair Isle. This happy family were convinced that they had landed the best job in the world…


However PO can now inform them that it is not. No, however the best job in the world is still situated within (or perhaps under) our rocky outcrop. Indeedy, PO believes that the Ossas and Flad may apply themselves as a job share. £50 bags of sand (grand), 3 ways that’s 40 bags to PO (creative go getter) and 10 each to the other pair. And what is this all for I hear you ask???? Well the short answer is managing nothing.

The SIC have decreed that they will employ somebody to manage nothing on an overinflated salary. Nothing new there then I hear you say, but at least previously they were able to smoke screen that fact that nothing was being managed…however this one is right out there, in your face.

Obviously the post is not being advertised with the job title “Nothing Manager” it is going to be a “Tunnel Manager”. Now for the less astute among you, there are no tunnels in Sheltieland which means that locally “Tunnel” = nothing. Not only that but “Tunnel” will continue to = nothing for at least 10 years. Brilliant.

The Ossas and Flad will be retired by then and the several million U turns which will have occurred between now and then will not really matter as this whole thing is theoretical anyway and when managing nothing, nothing can go wrong! Brilliant.

Unless.........they mean managing these tunnels - as there are afew of these up here in the frozen north.


Pass the pen….
Now where’s me pen.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Peerie O asks - Do oor avian chums parp?

MO, PO and Flad have had occasion to get together lately and thus some profound questions were asked and subsequently answered.

Question of the day was “Do birds pass wind?”

This could not be immediately answered so extensive research was undertaken.

The answer is apparently they do, but not very much or often, only there is no smell or sound. This is because the diet they eat and how their digestive system works means that they do not produce much gas (PO is not so sure about this…have you seen what the scories eat!!!?, makes Muckle positively health conscious and MOs fairy puffs are not completely odourless we can tell you), thus no smell…..which leads me to ask who could know this???????I mean how do you research this.

Even more to the point who would want do it…Wait a minute….we asked the question so probably rocks like us.

Anyhoo, more interesting than that was that there is no sound with a bird fart. This is down to a bird having no cheeks on its bottom….nothing to reverberate apparently. So there you go, birds can and do pass wind however it is odourless and silent and into a huge sky so it is unlikely to affect anything very much…..but interesting none the less.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Peerie O has had a shocker o a month...

Peerie O has had a shocker o a month & MO has been nae help avaa.

Po wis watchin da rig aa seaweed just oot afore da Ossas and decided dit raider dan buy seaweed fur the da starfishes winter fodder dey wid cut dir ain fae da rig. MO widna help ava, so PO enlisted Kirkaskerry and Kjurkel tae help. Dey listened tae da forecast and cut da seaweed accordingly….dan hit lowsed an rained fur a fortnight. Not down herted PO, Kirka and Kjurkel wuffled and handturned dat seaweed every day. Eventually dey took hit intae da muckle starfish shed an tried tae dry hit on the floor. Dis seemed tae be havin a modicum o success so dey stowed it in the specially constructed seaweed cru. PO wis heavin a sigh o relief…hit wis been a lang seaweed makin….

BUT disaster struck!!!! Kirka wish haain a trivel introw hit and hit felt a tad warmer dan we wid o likit…..Kirka emptied hit oot o da cru again…bearin in mind dirt dey wir aboot twinty coles o seaweed here…..and by da time PO got tae da shed, hit wis warmin up rather nicely. Anyhoo, in order ta avoid lossin da shed, PO an Kirka hed ta empty da whole lot o da seaweed oot o da shed…an der hit lies a gret pile o weet seaweed! Gyan ta ploo hit back in tae da boddam and grow sea cucumbers nixt year!

Lessons learned fur nixt year ......

Use da Faroese forecast
Cut half da amount o seaweed
If hit strill weet eftir 4 days pit hit ta silage!

OOOOOOOh me back!

Spaegied PO

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Peerie O is acting (up again)

Peerie O has been very quiet of late but is now breaking the silence and I’ll teel you for why! PO has been busy taking acting lessons as PO was sure there would be a roll in the new film being made on Fetlar.

Fetlar, it has to be said, was getting a bit far up damsel an wis startin tae caa everybody “daaaaaaaaling” I bit upstairs an ben aaff. Humsumiver, wi dis latest venture bein pitten on the back burner, Fetlar seems tae hiv geen a bit quiet!

Anyhoo, Po has been learning how ta convey being a rock through the medium of mime. In order to complete these classes, PO procured some hefty fundin thru da Arts Development agency. PO has passed da classes wi flyin colours and can now be viewed at any time plying the mime trade.


Some reviews are given below;

“The energy and emotion from PO’s performance is electric. The mime is impeccable. Money well spent and well worth it!” – The Sneck o da Smallie.

“ Never in my 5 million year life have I seen a rockier looking mime. Stock still. PO is a rising star in mime….look out Muckle, Rockall will be after PO!!” – Barra

“ I now know what it feels like to be a rock. PO conveys the hardness and lonely melancholy of being a rock like no one ever has before” – Elizabeth Taylor

“ Dosna look much different tae me…..hurumph!!!!” – Muckle Grumpy Ossa

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Ronas Hill & St. Magnus Bay Hotel

The Ossa’s had Ronas ower fur a few drams last night, bit as usual Ronas overdid it. Everytime, dey fill demsels and dan sit wi da clankin remorse. Weel Ronas really did it last night. Da Ossas wir a bit concerned for Ronas's welfare and nipped ower ta check on her. Weel, Ronas is getting on a bit noo and her water control is no whit hit used ta be. When da Ossas wan ower, dey discovered dit Ronas wis hain a bit o incontinence…hit wis comin oot aa wye! See photo below. Da Ossa towt dey wid leave Ronas in peace as she said she wis feelin a bit seek anaa. Hopefully she will be able ta keep her stack on or dey will likely be anidder clood.


Seein as dey wir in da local dey nipped in alang da Magnus bay Hotel fur a spot o lunch….and were very blyde dey did! First an foremost, dey ir fairly getting da old place sorted. Massive progress since dey took ower. The old place is startin get back hits former glory…really good tae see.

On to lunch….StMBH provides a portion size that befits a rather large sea feature. Peerie O and Muckle O couldna feenish it aa. MO’s fish wis o biblical proportions. The welcome was warm and the staff are so helpful, gyan oot o dir wye and doin da extra mile seems ta be nae budder ava. Da food was cooked ta perfection, da salad freshly made and PROPER HANDCUT FAE PROPER TATTIES ON DA PREMISES BY A HUMAN chips.

Verdict – Floats my tattie both food and service.

Wadder

Peerie O is drookled dis morn. Whit sort o a day is dis? Had a look to see whit da wadder aside Auld Rasmie wis doin. No great, bit better than da wadder at da Ossas. 12 degrees wi a brisk (dat just doesna do da wind speed justice) norderly wind and p*****g rain. Da yows dit were clipped on Sunday ir gyan around wi dir knees knockin, lookin bewildered. POs cat has come doon wi feline SAD, she didna even get up dis mornin…..mind you da wadder shouldna come as any surprise as PO has commenced renovations on da gairdin shed, which had da roof removed yiisterday ready fur a new Perspex roof so now you can wade to da high watter mark inside da shed.

However, adopting a positive mental attitude, Longa Tonga said that at least the forecast was right fur a change!!! By the way Rasmie, PO is sittin here wi flooer envy! However POs strawberries could cause Rasmie to turn a shade o green!!

Monday, 12 July 2010

Peerie O is a little bewildered

Peerie O is bewildered by you human lot…I dunno. Not having been in cyberspace lately PO is playing catch up. PO is aware that being a rock PO does not understand the intricacies of human beans (PO likes BFG). Lookin at Clarkersgate, fur da piece o wark dit was made aboot da Assistant Chief Executive job….given dit several real proper job (titles) wir offered, bit no, dat wis nae use. Da council dan hed ta u turn (apparently dey have hed lessons fae Darcy Busstle on how no ta turn hedlight when birrlin) and reinstated da ACE.

All dis at whit cost??????????? Dan efter aa dat da ACE wants a secondment….and dey ir geen hit tae him. How will dey manage??? Is somebody going to have to be employed to cover????????? using the corrert advertising and recruiting procedures of course??? PO may apply fur dat. Where will the secondment be to?? Orkney perhaps? Does innybody else hae a ACE?

Nixt on POs list, we have a new SNP candidate perhaps? PO is amazed at the speed and the cut and thrust of all you human types. Can’t wait to hear da manifesto. More da moran…

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Eider a Duvet

Muckle O wis informed that some Killer Whales were oot & aboot showing off doon 'da sooth end'. Nae sign o dem though but da Eiders were oot wi chicks.....





Here's da soond recording o da male Eider - woooooooooo.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

A Message from Kjurkel

Kjurkel has been reading with interest Convener Clueless OBE defence of the S.I.C's handling of Clarkersgate. By defence I mean, backtrackin and blame shiftin. Listenin ta da radio, perhaps Mr Clueless OBE better brush up on his spaikin skill to ensure octogenarian HRH can actually hear whit hes sayin. Very muttery....

Also notable is a certain Scalloway/Burra Coonciller tryin to pin the blame of the Council's spending frenzy on Shetlanders, I quote - "getting the people of Shetland to accept that we don't have the money to spend that we had in the past".

Get away lady. Its gettin the Cooncil to accept that you don't need to spend money to get voted back in, swimming pools and fiddle lessons don't equal votes, and p.s. not everyone loves the fiddle.

Lookin forward to da days revelations.....

Peerie O discusses Da Mareel

Peerie O was sitting mindin PO’s own the other day and as usual a tanker makin for Sullom guid by causing a (not unpleasant) vibration. Dis got PO tinkin. The low frequency vibration noise transmission fae a boats engine travels really weel through da water an also transmits weel through aa solid matter, including PO. More thinking occurred an PO recalled dit Mareel, da loverly new music venue is biggit on land reclaimed fae da sea, right nixt ta the Holmsgirt ferry terminal and truth be telt in da middle o Lerick Harbour.


Noo certainly, if a concert wis on you widna notice inny noise or vibration as a boat passed. Bit whit aboot da recordin studio? PO understands dit a state o da art recordin studio is bein installed in said Mareel. I winder if dey hiv considered dis when selectin the sound insulation fur da place?? PO is no an expert on acoustics bit Po does ken dit particle collision air borne noise transmission is much easier ta insulate against than direct contact transmission….Da type o insulation for low frequency direct contact transmission noise is invariably much more engineered and thus his a price tag ta match….

Just an observation.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Viking Mice invade Shetland

Shetlanders are being asked to bring scientists their dead mice so they can work out if the island was invaded by ‘Viking’ rodents.

Both species of mice on Shetland (the house mouse and the wood or long-tailed field mouse) are thought to have arrived on the island as stowaway passengers in the longboats of Norse settlers or traders.


An artists impression of what a Viking Mouse may look like


As part of the study researchers are asking Shetland residents to hand in any dead mice they find to the Scottish Natural Heritage office in Lerwick.

Researchers have already identified the genetic code of house mice in Shetland as an important clue to the evolution of mammal species across Europe.

Dr Frank Chan of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Biology in Germany is leading the Viking mouse study.



Muckle O and Fladda (Peerie O is off-line at the mo), sought a quote from the "Shetland Mice and Rodents Territorial Inhabitants Entertaining Society" - 'Smarties', but none were available for comment as hundreds of Shetlander's were busily trying to kill them and they had all dissappeared down the nearest available hole, including oil-boil-holes.

However, these rufty-tufty marauding Viking mice did not just confine their invading and pilaging  to the northern isles......


"A rodent hunter with a head for heights is being sought for a project on the remote island of St Kilda.

Edinburgh University is seeking a volunteer to trap and study a unique species of mouse thought to have arrived on the archipelago with the Vikings over 1,000 years ago.

The successful applicant will have to spend five weeks scrambling over high cliff tops searching for mice in gales and rain.

Whoever is appointed to the post will accompany a research team and stay in one of the restored cottages in the original village.

The mouse is heavier and has a different hair colouration on its belly to mainland field mice.

However little else is known about its behaviour or how large is its population scattered around the remote location around 100 miles off the Scottish mainland.

Tom Black, the University of Edinburgh PhD student undertaking the research, described the post as “hard work in (probably) horrible weather, but also good fun”.
 

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

'Hoochin'

PO and Flad have made contact and as per usual a pearl of knowledge has been created. Discussing the Hamfaerin and all the music and dancing, Po and Flad discussed the finer points…

Hoochin - The thing you do in the middle of a Boston 2 Step or Shetland backstep. It has long bothered PO that people cannot say “hooch” properly. There are may permutations of the word and over the years to has been dituted and changed to an unrecognisable form. In fairness the general rule is that anyone who has grown up north of the 55 degree latitude line is genetically programmed to pronounce this word properly. South of this then it comes out as “hook” or even worse “ook” so PO has created 2 step by step methods for people to learn how to say “hooch” properly. Fear not, if you contain genetic material originating North of 55 degrees you are half way there

Peeps attempting 'Da Hoochin'

Method 1.
This works best if you have had a bad cough. Just cough, but say “oooooo” as you are coughing. This gives the basic sound and will train your larynx into the correct projection.

Method 2.
Possibly less offensive and painful than Method 1:
a) Say “who” as in “who is that?”

b) Now remember the last time you stood on your cats tail? It made a “Hchhhhhh” sound. That’s the one. Draw your lips back over your teeth and pass air (outwardly) over the back of your tongue. Practice this until you can make a consistant sound.

c) Now say “who” followed by “Hchhhh” taking a breath between each enounciation. Practice for 5 mins.

d) Now try to say “who” followed by “hchhh” without taking the breath between. Practice.

e) Finally run the word together and hey presto “hooch.” Practise lots until you can scream it spontaneously without thinking about it….you will need to be able to do this during dancing. You can’t stop in the middle of an Eightsome Reel to think about shouting “hooch.”

f) Go to the Hamfaerin dance and impress all the locals with your gay abandoned “hooch” ability.



This PO and Flad TOP TIP is sponsored by “Slippereen”

A Missive from Grind o Da Navir

A missive from Grind o Da Navir (GoDN). GoDN intends compileing a list of wir closs neebir stacks.........

"Noo Dan Po

GoDN will at some point in da future produce a list o wir near neebirs, hit will be whan I geit bakk fae veesiting Copinsay an Lamb Holm.

Hit will takk a peerie start tae do as I hae some written & some in da head & will hae tae speik tae Moo Stack & Stanchie Head as dae ir alder.

Skol
GoDN"

Monday, 21 June 2010

Peerie O's liquid clouds

Peerie O & Muckle O were very impressed with the unusual 'liquid' clouds over zetland yesterday. It was an overcast day with little wind and these clouds looked like a grey liquid blanket over da isles. They also formed interesting patterns over the central ridge of Mainland. These pictures are exactly as they came from the camera - no manipulation whatsoever.

These clouds came together to form a 'grumpy face' in the last picture.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Peerie O's Orchids

PO has been out and about with the old picture gun and has indeedy captured an Early Marsh orchid. It was quite difficult as these little blighters can shift very fast and as you will be aware PO can’t move with any sort of speed at all….and there are ofen rockfalls and earthquakes when PO does. Anyhoo PO digresses.


The Early Marsh Orchid differs from the Northern Marsh Orchid in a couple of obvious ways…the leaves have no spots and the petals are more fleshy/reddy hued than the royal purple of the Northern.


Also, here's Heath Spotted Orchid - with the pale pink flowers.

Fladda seems to be in a toint as PO has heard not a peep lately. Photo envy I would imagine.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Blue-green Algae - whits aa yon aboot?

Peerie, Muckle & Flad (an a selection of idder sea features) wis hearing on da news da streen that there might be some Blue Green algae around on da freshwater lochs. We never get inny o dat aboot wis. Occasional “red tide” bit never blue green. Lots o pink an broon and green…bit never blue green. PO got a letter fae Colsay (MOs fliberty gibert pal fae da sooth end) and some photos o da blue green were in it. PO likes the colour but not toxicity of da stuff. Very bad for dogs and peeps. Anyhoo, see below.


Dis is classic stuff, but hits no always dis colour. Sometimes it grows on da bottom o da loch and is browny/reddy/black. It is at its most lethal when it dees and the cells rupture releasing Anatoxin A among idder nasty things, which is a neurotoxin. When it dees it often washes up on da shore and can look like coo poop, black and a strong musty small dit attacts dogs and animals (includin’ human types!). If they ate it death will follow rapidly so be careful out there. This is whit it can look like when its in full bloom an still in suspension in da water - it looks like soup and may be grey/green or greenish or just green! 


Luckily for wis - it does not affect sea features.



Shetland Word of the Day – Girn – this has 2 meanings.
1) The noise a dog makes when not whining or barking. Usually preceeds a bite.
2) A false ingratiating smile.

Shetland Place of the day – Buggery – Apparently somewhere around the Brig aa Waas. The name derives from the old Norse word Bu meaning something to do with cattle. Not sure what the ”ggery” bit means tho!

In addition Peerie O has been for a snacket wi Grind O da Navir. Usual sea born chit chat. GOdN is going to prepare a list of all the neighbourhood area place names with the “correct” pronounciation. It is one of GOdN’s botty barnicles that everybody pronounces things all wrong. GOdN said “ I cood geng fae here ta the fardest east ebbstanes o da Skerries and still der naebody dit can say da names around here right.”
 
PO replied that this was indeed GOdNs new mission should GOdN wish to accept! PO looks forward to the list.
 
Aside, PO had some vegetable matter for lunch and there seems to be some seismic activity commencing. MO, are we a volcano do you think?

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Peerie O goes Birdwatching

PO has oot an aboot visiting the new borns. First PO went to see The new additions to the Starling family. From the left Sheree, Chardonnay, Shiraz and Rasmie (after wir pal in Norwayland!!!) Rasmie takes after his dads side, I can tell you….quiet and brooding. They were just about to fledge so PO did not hang aboot. For the tweetery amongst you these are the Shetland subspecies of Sturnus vulgaris, referred to as the Shetland Starling Sturnus vulgaris zetlandicus - the juveniles are darker in colour than their equivalents in Englandshire.

Next it wis over to da Shalder family and babies Rio and Wayne. Wayne would not stand still so could not get a photo, but Rio did and managed to get a quick snap. Mrs Shalder was not too impressed with PO’s photography techniques and saw PO off the premises……

Next it was on to see the Mute Swans and they have been busy! 5 bambinos. Mary, Rodger, Jemima, Elaine and Colin….very sweet bunch although Colin tends to hide ahint mam…..

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

New Northlink Cruises

Peerie O has been noticing that Northlink have come up with an innovative minicruise…..the all new “Slim Positive Effortless Weight Reduction” Cruise more commonly referred to using the acronym SPEWR.

Brilliant idea and will surely bring in the bookings. Simply gather a bus load of innocents, add to the bus a dash of entero bacteria and hey presto vomiting and diarrhoea for 30, lasting a minimum of 24 hrs. A total weight loss of 25 stones for the whole bus and an average 10 lbs per person gaurenteed.

There are several other benefits to this…as well as not having to feed the passengers, the weight loss means that the ferry does not burn as much fuel. It is just a matter of time before Northlink join forces with Simon King and they can start the “SPEW and VIEW” cruises. This means that all the passengers can stay out on deck to view the wildlife and get their own back on the Maalies by spewing over them as they fly past, rather than being spewed on.

It will also save Northlink the tedious job of deep cleaning the cabins, simply hose the passengers and the boat sides down before she docks!


Shetland Word of the Day – Skavel – To go over on ones ankle.

Shetland Place of the Day – Gatni Geos – South Havra

Shetland Photo of the Day - Baby Hedgehog - i dont think there's a Shetland name for Hedgehog.


Thursday, 3 June 2010

Peerie O is back in Cyberspace

Peerie O has not been handy with a computermeebob lately, but am back now for a short sojourn in cyberspace. Things of interest…firstly a HUGE OVERSITE in the Shetland Tourism adverty thingy on the Shetland News website. PO was watching avidly, waiting for the ossas and flad to flash up……Dore holm first….then….a puffin….then….Mousa….then……stinky old Dore Holm again. No sign of the Ossas an Flad. Whits aa dat aboot dan? Eh????? Dore Holm just sits there, speakin to nobody…PO reckons Dore is a bit ups itsel. Ha, Snore Holm more like!

Anyhoo, on to my next observation. Only on the Auld Rock would you get an exemption on your electronic tagging device to nip oot for free chips! Brilliant. I’m sure other law enforcement agencies could learn a thing or 2 from wir court. Plez milud, could I ave a couple of oors aff to caa da hill or milk da coo! PO loves it. Ders nae place lik holm (not Snore Dore though).

Shetland place o da day
Sodom, which interestingly is no far fae da leisure centre in Whaalsa.

Shetland wird o da day
Swickery – as in “wirkin a swickery” and in Englishshireyness, “ to swindle”.

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Da Cooncil funds Mushrooms

Peerie O was interested in the headline of  'Da Sheltieland News du kens' boy, boy, boy, girl, boy etc..........that da Cooncil (SIC) funds Mushroom. What kind of mushroom could this be pondered PO thus PO decided to research Mushrooms.



PO was amazed. There are loads of them. PO believes that the particular mushroom funded by the SIC will have to quite large and a bit hairy (as this seems to have been the criteria for the last large funding project of the SIC) which PO believes makes the most likely class of mushroom to be funded the Gastroid fungi (translated means Stomach fungus…PO rests PO’s case!) which includes the puffball (how apt, indeed), the earthstar and the stinkhorns (PO is implying nothing here) as well as false truffles.

This indeed looks precisely like the type of project at which the SIC would throw money. They already have some practical experience in this area, keeping the populous in the dark and feeding them horse poop, which was working well until the Audit Commission took an interest…..

Beyonce da Bonxie

Peerie O noticed Beyonce da Bonxie was visiting today.

 





















Shetland Place o da day

Skerry of Eric’s Ham

Yell Colgrave Sound

and

da Sneck o da Smallie (Muckle O has been down there)

colloquially known by da soothmoothers as 'da Boxershorts o da Shove da Hapenny'
Foula

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Grind o da Navir

Peerie Ossa was havin a chat with the Ossa’s close neighbour Grind o da Navir and GodN was feeling a bit unimpressed with the whole pronunciation of sea features in Sheltieland. GodN requested that PO inform our intrepid readers that Ossa is not pronounced as it is spelt. The pronouncement is “Ohsee.” Whomsumiver, GodN had also been searching for Muckle Osla as opposed to Muckle Ossa so PO is not so sure that GodN is as cliver as dey tink dey ir!

Ramnastack has informed PO that Cloudberry liqueur is braly good….Po may have to verify. Muckle O has been v quiet lately…..MUCKLE OHSEE….ARE YOU THERE????? PO IS LONELY. FLADDA??????????

Shetland Fact of the day (and PO’s fav joke of the moment…)

Q - What is the most common owl in Shetland?

A – A Teat Owl…say it quickly.


Shetland Place of the day...

Kame o Riven Noup

(NW of Bannamin Beach, Burra)

http://shetlopedia.com/Image:Burra_beach_beab.jpg
thanks to Auld Rasmie for da link

 

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

What's in a Chair?

Up in Ossa Turrets there is mucho chagrin.

Chairs....whats in a chair? Well you may just think that they are for sitting on but you would be very wrong. They are in fact status symbols. The higher up the pecking order of sea features (starting at outcrop, finishing with sea stacks, ascending) the fancier the chair you are allocated. For the pleby low end sea feature you will be allocated a second hand chair with a wobbly wheel and absolutely, under no circumstances arms on it.

When you ascend through the ranks to management (in sea features this is defined as being in excess of 30m above MHWS) you may be allocated a new chair which does have arms on it. This is so anyone meeting you for the first time will be able to 'at a glance of the status of the chair, armed or armless', immediately identify if you are important or if you are just to be ignored along with the rest of the flotsam and jetsam.

Unsurprisingly the Ossas & Fladda have wobbly wheels and no arms.....and not a little chagrin. We may be taking advice from Dalzell Projects on how to remedy this unfortunatism. They seem to be able to sort out anything.......

Muckle O is preparing for da Hamefarin

Having watched from afar with longing at the general japes and frolics undertaken by oor human neighbours during their UHAa festivals Muckle O became dispondant.....MO knew it was impossible for the Ossa’s and Flad to join in but secretly wanted to be in da hamefarin parade. Peerie O and Flad felt very vexed for MO especially as MO is given to flatulent outbursts when MO is sad and of course PO and Flad are right in the firing line.....anyhoo, as you are all aware Flad and PO are not unresourceful and inventive so they set about a plan to lift MOs spirits (and therefore the gas issue). They went on ebay to find an extra outsize milliner, but could not find anyone with the capacity to do the job so next they approached Harland and Wolf and bingo, they had the capability so after much tooing and froing of plans etc they finally produced MOs spirit lifter and Botty Sealer. They bunged it on one of the coasters taking the gravel from Ireland (best not mention that in some circles.....ooh yes, anyone want to buy a crusher???? Anyone??? No?) and hey presto they delivered today. MO is seriously happy and the Botty Burps have ceased so the Ossa’s and Fladda are now happy and content.

Happy Hamefarin UHAa Muckle!

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Peerie O is impressed

Peerie O was indeed impressed with the flags and drums and singing yesterday. Whomesumever, PO was very happy that enforced consumption of Norwegian foodstuffs was not mandatory. Speaking to Cousin Sheep Rock in Fair Isle, PO understands that in some places on the Auld Rock they still consume that Norse delicacy of Sweed Sheeps head. Gadge. Parently da head is scooderd ower a flame and dan boiled wi kale an neeps ta mak a sort aa soup. PO would imagine dit dey ir bits o scooderd black flakes among dis brew. Only da very hardiest of tough straving peeps would imbibe dis evil potion…..mide you is Heston Bloominhalfwit reads this PO has no doubt it will be dished up on channel 4 afore ower lang! Gie PO a saat olik inny day! Cloud berries, that’s Norwegian puddingy thing. PO might try them sometime.

Belated Glade 17 Kanskje dag å våre Norsk hav vise egenskaper.

The Ossas and Flad

Monday, 17 May 2010

Its Norwegian Constitution Day


The Norwegian Constitution Day is the National Day of Norway and is an official national holiday observed on May 17 each year. Among Norwegians, the day is referred to simply as syttende mai (meaning May Seventeenth), Nasjonaldagen (The National Day) or Grunnlovsdagen (The Constitution Day), although the latter is less frequent.


Imagine Muckle O & Peerie O's surprise when a horde (or is it a gaggle or a toot) of flag carrying, drum banging and horn blowing Norwegians went right past our window overlooking da street celebrating the event. Muckle O managed to catch up with them on da pier & here's a few photos and little video of them. Happy Norway Day.


































Whits all dis den.....


Peerie O has been experiencing strange sensations (nothing to do with Muckle or Fladda) I may add…..On Friday it started….there was a strangely familiar light which PO had a recollection of but it took till dinnertime to place what it was. The SUN, big whoop. There was also warmth for the first time since last August. PO enjoyed this enormously, but Muckle cast PO into shadow at tea time (selfish boulder!!) Fladda was even worse off.

Then an airbourne message from our pal Eyafjatlajukel has grounded the flights again. Some fine old academic was optimistic that this could go on for another 20 years…by which time of course the cost of grounding the flights will have rendered it completely safe to fly though an erupting volcano, in fact it may cost more to fly through a volcanic dust cloud….an added extra, they could argue.

I digress. Anyhoo hoping this dust is not going to affect POs sun tan. Oh yes tirricks. Dey are back! Been for a couple of weeks now. PO likes the tirricks but do dey hae ta mak sae muckle noise. Less time screechin and mair time lookin for fish wid probably do da numbers a lot aa good!! PO often looks an winders why day budder? I mean tae flee tae Shetland ta lay your egg when you pass ower some cracking beaches in Africa????I don’t know.



Anidder observation that PO has made, and if your are of a prudish nature stop reading now……….., ok PO will carry on now. PO had the misfortune to witness two ducks undertaking procreation. May PO say it was a bit brutal…The man duck leapt on da height o Jemima (Puddleduck) and grabbed her in da cuff o da neck a packed her head under da water….Jeez, it widda been ee thing if she was bein akward aboot da whole thing, but she hed a kind o resigned look on her face an just let him get on wi hit. Dan off he hopped an on ta da nixt een. If looks could kill…he widda been floatin belly up. Natures a cruel place PO can tell you….especially if you are a she duck.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

They've only gone an dun it.....

Well now they’ve gone and done it. We have a Collision Government….and no Peerie Ossa has not misspelt that! I look forward to these pair explaining away how they now going to completely ignore what they said they were going to do in their “manefesto’s.” Dang it all, if PO has heard the words “strong and secure government” and “working together, putting our political differences aside” once, PO has heard them 1000 times….but that is what it is …words. David Dimbilbubbly actually managed to bore himself last night wittering on about nothing while we were subject to aerial pictures of London…what was all yon about????

What PO was wanting to know was - is Masood going to realise that Seyed is still seeing Christian? When’s Ronnie telling Jack that he’s stuck with the NHS? When’s Billy going to realise that there is “Famwee” and “FEHWMEE” and by the way Peggy, Bill is a blood Mitchoow, not just married into the FEHMWEE….I digress…All the Ossa’s want to know is who was the Deputy Prime Minister before Nick Clegg (the Ossa can only recall one Deputy and that was old Pie Face Prescott)…. Not a very high profile placement unless you punch a demonstrator…..

Who cares anyway, we’re all rocks…