Aaaal sorts aa stuff fae Sheltie land.... includes stuff fae Muckle Ossa, Little Ossa and Fladda..... and any guest stacks, holms, geo's, kame's, baaaas, headlands, voes, firths, lochs, lighthouses, etc.
Fladda and Po decided to venture into business. Looking for suitable failsafe money spinners they happened upon two dead certs: car repairs – humans are forever bumping into things with their fragile tin boxes; and funereal accoutrements – everyone has a death experience at some point. Veritable cash cows if ever there were any! After careful thought they decided that their talents could thus be put to good use in auto body repair, with the emphasis on funeral cars. We believed that Gairs and Stronachs had much to fear as we were very good and cheap…I mean how hard could it be? After due consideration we named our company.....
Bespoke Hearse Refurbishments
What we lacked in catchy name creation we put into our exempliary work, thus in order to drum up a bit of business we set off to cruise around the toon in our souped up Morris Marina emblazoned with our companies working title and phone number, now, due to cost constraints we had to use those sticky letters which you take the back off to reveal the sticky side (Muckle had these in large supply after buying a box of miscellania from the Shetland Auction Rooms). PO has instructed Flad to make sure that the side of the Marina was dry to ensure maximum adheasion, however Flad was so excited that perhaps Flad was not as diligent as might necessarily be required. Anyhoo, Po digesses after a day of cruising we went home and waited for the flood of phone calls….which we did get, however these were mostly of an inappropriate nature, except the recorded “get out of debt now” message. After an evening where Flad and Po were in turn terminally embarassed and shocked, PO decided to check the Marina to see what could be misconstrued from the very clear company slogan. Imagine POs horror when PO found that, due to Flads excitement, several of the letters had fallen off. This explained immediately the type of requests/suggestions they had endured. The A, U, T, O, H and E had fallen off. PO and Flad have since had to change their phone number and are thus out of pocket…..and haven’t repaired a single car!
Bespoke Hearse Refurbishments
The lesson here is…
Things are not always what they seem. You should never judge a book by its cover and if you are doing something, do it right the first time!!!!
PO has only just read of the new Bird Warden and family who will be taking up residence on Fair Isle. This happy family were convinced that they had landed the best job in the world…
However PO can now inform them that it is not. No, however the best job in the world is still situated within (or perhaps under) our rocky outcrop. Indeedy, PO believes that the Ossas and Flad may apply themselves as a job share. £50 bags of sand (grand), 3 ways that’s 40 bags to PO (creative go getter) and 10 each to the other pair. And what is this all for I hear you ask???? Well the short answer is managing nothing.
The SIC have decreed that they will employ somebody to manage nothing on an overinflated salary. Nothing new there then I hear you say, but at least previously they were able to smoke screen that fact that nothing was being managed…however this one is right out there, in your face.
Obviously the post is not being advertised with the job title “Nothing Manager” it is going to be a “Tunnel Manager”. Now for the less astute among you, there are no tunnels in Sheltieland which means that locally “Tunnel” = nothing. Not only that but “Tunnel” will continue to = nothing for at least 10 years. Brilliant.
The Ossas and Flad will be retired by then and the several million U turns which will have occurred between now and then will not really matter as this whole thing is theoretical anyway and when managing nothing, nothing can go wrong! Brilliant.
Unless.........they mean managing these tunnels - as there are afew of these up here in the frozen north.
MO, PO and Flad have had occasion to get together lately and thus some profound questions were asked and subsequently answered.
Question of the day was “Do birds pass wind?”
This could not be immediately answered so extensive research was undertaken.
The answer is apparently they do, but not very much or often, only there is no smell or sound. This is because the diet they eat and how their digestive system works means that they do not produce much gas (PO is not so sure about this…have you seen what the scories eat!!!?, makes Muckle positively health conscious and MOs fairy puffs are not completely odourless we can tell you), thus no smell…..which leads me to ask who could know this???????I mean how do you research this.
Even more to the point who would want do it…Wait a minute….we asked the question so probably rocks like us.
Anyhoo, more interesting than that was that there is no sound with a bird fart. This is down to a bird having no cheeks on its bottom….nothing to reverberate apparently. So there you go, birds can and do pass wind however it is odourless and silent and into a huge sky so it is unlikely to affect anything very much…..but interesting none the less.
Peerie O has had a shocker o a month & MO has been nae help avaa.
Po wis watchin da rig aa seaweed just oot afore da Ossas and decided dit raider dan buy seaweed fur the da starfishes winter fodder dey wid cut dir ain fae da rig. MO widna help ava, so PO enlisted Kirkaskerry and Kjurkel tae help. Dey listened tae da forecast and cut da seaweed accordingly….dan hit lowsed an rained fur a fortnight. Not down herted PO, Kirka and Kjurkel wuffled and handturned dat seaweed every day. Eventually dey took hit intae da muckle starfish shed an tried tae dry hit on the floor. Dis seemed tae be havin a modicum o success so dey stowed it in the specially constructed seaweed cru. PO wis heavin a sigh o relief…hit wis been a lang seaweed makin….
BUT disaster struck!!!! Kirka wish haain a trivel introw hit and hit felt a tad warmer dan we wid o likit…..Kirka emptied hit oot o da cru again…bearin in mind dirt dey wir aboot twinty coles o seaweed here…..and by da time PO got tae da shed, hit wis warmin up rather nicely. Anyhoo, in order ta avoid lossin da shed, PO an Kirka hed ta empty da whole lot o da seaweed oot o da shed…an der hit lies a gret pile o weet seaweed! Gyan ta ploo hit back in tae da boddam and grow sea cucumbers nixt year!
Lessons learned fur nixt year ......
Use da Faroese forecast
Cut half da amount o seaweed
If hit strill weet eftir 4 days pit hit ta silage!