How aboot a Chuckle.....

Somethin to brighten your day during this difficult winter wonderlandfest.

When Will it End?

The Ossa's, Fladda and all stacks, holms, islets, baaaas, peninsulas, headlands, geo's and other Shetland sea-side bits & bobs have unanimously decided that dis snaaaaa has gone on too long and is no longer fun. We shall be taking the matter up wi de purveyor of da white stuff - EEEE NOOOO.

Dis dog is so fed up wi da snaa that he has resorted to asking da tomato when da white stuff will end. However, not even da Ossa's & Fladda know what da tomato is thinking........

Skeeter Skerries Snaa Pics

Skeeter Skerries (aff Da Ness o' Sound) was oot and aboot in Da Toon during da snaa on Monday Evening - here's da Museum, followed by Da next day - da Bressay Ferry Terminal, Da Street an Skeeter Skerries motor (wiv snaaa).

Muckle Ossa’s Eatery Guide - Mid Brae Inn

We love the old Midders. Close to home, homely atmosphere, cheery staff and that one eclipsing quality that can cock the majority of eateries into a hat, proper chips and lots of them. This is one of the few eateries in Shetland in which the Ossas frequently are unable to finish their meal. The food is hot, there is loads of it but if it is busy, then service can be slow (but we don’t care we like sitting there!!!!). Certainly not the place to go if you like to be able get your entire main course on a teaspoon (albeit beautifully presented), or if you are on a diet or if you intend to do anything for the rest of the afternoon.....we love it! They are always accommodating and don’t even complain when Muckle drags tang, live seals and bits of dead salmon cage in on his legs. Oh yes, not perhaps for a romantic couple meal, especially on the third weekend in March…… Mid Brae Inn Telephone: 01806 522634.

Mid Brae Inn - SCORE

1. Temperature – If its meant to be hot its like the sun......if it should be cold think liquid nitrogen

2. Speed – who cares, its worth waiting for....especially with a pint in hand.

3 Amount – A small articulated lorry delivers to your table from the kitchen

4 Cost – worth every penny.....very reasonable

5 Proper chips (i.e. a tattie, peeled, cut and fried onsite) – Hallelujah!!!!!

In summary, a good place to frequent for a bit of nosh, and not too expensive either.

Floats my tattie

 

Muckle Ossa’s Eatery Guide - Harbour Fish & Chips (Lerwick)

This is a new service offered by MO. It is a very simple guide to the comestable outlets in the land of Shetlie. We work by 5 basic criteria.

1. Temperature of food

2. Speed of delivery to patron/s

3. Amount of edible stuff on plate (not counting salad!)

4. Cost

5. Proper chips (i.e. a tattie, peeled, cut and fried onsite)

A summary of the above will give a 'pickling mix' overall nosh emporium rating:

Best...........“Floats my tattie”

Good..........“My tattie is like a neesik, brackin da surface sometimes”

Owerweel....“My tattie is like a jellyfish, hingin idda water”

Worst.........“Need a Rock Hopper ta fin my tattie glued tae da bottom”

Shetland is famed for the food it can produce locally however it must be said it is rare when any of the locally produced stuff lands on your table. A pet hate of the Ossas is frozen chips….anyhoo this preamble will be added to as we think of other titbits for your information.

Harbour Fish & Chips, Lerwick - First Impressions

Being cutting edge and frontiersman the intrepid Ossas’ went out this day to sample the delights of the new comestable outlet near the Lerwick AAAAAAAAAArbour, more commonly known as the new Harbour Fish and Chip Shop. This is the first days opening and first impressions is that there are a small army of staff milling around the brand new and very shiny (with blue lights) friers and foodstuff display cabinets. All very courtious and nice, however a certain lack of knowing what was happening was evident. Ossa is aware that this is the first day and will update later with hopefully more positive news on this front. Ossa noticed that the batter looked a tad anaemeic however this may just be the batter mix. The donor lamb was rotating away nicely but there was confusion on the slicing of said lamb. The chilli sauce was strangely minty and not very chillified. There was an extensive menu covering anything from soup and sandwichs to a “munchbox” Ossa has decreed that you will have to investigate that one yourself. Ossa will have to revisit in order to see if progress is made.

Harbour Fish & Chips, Lerwick - SCORE

1. Temperature – Similar to the weather outside….

2. Speed – not olympic luge, more tai chi

3 Amount - ok

4 Cost – not outwith the realms of fantasy

5 Proper chips (i.e. a tattie, peeled, cut and fried onsite) – not sampled
Overall Rating:
Owerweel....“My tattie is like a jellyfish, hingin idda water”

It must be stated however, that this was the first day of openeing of this new trough emporuim & as such, a few allowances have been made. Hopefully after the obligatory 'settling in' period the ambience/service/nosh quality will improve. A re-visit will be scheduled sometime. It should be noted that this grub emporium has exceptional opening hours - Mon to Thurs. 07:00 to late and Friday/Saturday from 07:00 to 03:00....extraordinary.

Look oot for more eatery evaluations in the days/weeks/months/millenia ahead..........

Da Ossas

Peerie O's Political Poem of the Day

What a position

Sleep and beverage for 3 months
Then garden for another 3
Underperform and brew a public display
Rewards 250,000 to stop and transfer on....
I want that one!

Peerie O

Picture Time

Peerie Ossa has been oot & aboot wi da picter machine......

We do have fun in da north - du kens

It has been brough to the attention of Muckle Ossa that some folk dinna think anyone in da frozen north ever has any fun and that theres little to occupy oor time apart from diggin up mud to burn on da fire and saaaaaalting faaaaash an assorted lumps of dead sheep.

Well now den boy, boy, boy, boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, boy, whaaaaaas yon ower yonder, Jaaaaaaaahn Jaaaaahnsen Repaaaaaaaarting Shetland, I can honestly say its not at all true...

And to prove it we have sourced (at no expense whatsoever) this remarkeable pre-olympic record attempt training video for your delectation and delight. It proves, beyond a shoadow of a doubt that northmen are indeed tough & worthy of being called Vikings, and maybe just a little bit damp around da edges.

White Stuff, Coos and Planes

Forsooth Fladda!!

I bet your are glad you did not get them in the mixer now!!!!

Peeries Ossa

Dear Peerie Ossa and others,

Indeedie lord squared; the white stuff is back.

Am I surprised? No I am not. Da Unicorn's mentioning of Ollie - the flying coo - being milked whilst 'en route' was obviously a portend to white stuff falling from the skies. Hmmm, we may well be in for something more obnoxious later.

Now, in a dog bites man kind of way, you may have also noticed in Da Unicorn's note that 'Elm Farm Ollie' is an anagram of 'Emmerdale Farm.' So what? Well in 1993 a 'plane crashed into a dairy farm, milking an audience of 18 million. Talk about coincidences or what?

Oh, my very good friends who live in the timber framed house, are back in production (da chickens)!

Felicitations

Fladda

Snaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Peerie Ossa noticed a lot of white stuff all ower da place dis morn - here's da photo to prove it....

Information Update from Da Unicorn

1930 – Elm Farm Ollie becomes the first cow to fly in a fixed-wing aircraft and also the first cow to be milked in an aircraft.

I am going to listen out for the gaffs!

Da Unicorn

MORE BREAKING NEWS.....

Ramna Stack is mobile once more...well, sort of...

So my new, or not quite so new, van, arrived. It’s made of cheese…wensleydale I’d say.

My feet can’t touch the ground with the seat as low as it can go, so I pull it forward to see if that will help, to find a wedge of very hard plastic cutting my calves in two. Hmmm, will need to wear platform boots for this one I fear.

So how does it drive I hear you ask? Well, it goes, (0 – 60 in 2 hours), however, are there any shock absorbers in this thing???!!! After five minutes I’m so shook up I think I’m going to be sick…should come with sick bags provided.
Ah well, off to the stage door to buy a wig and some large dark glasses as my street cred will take a real nose dive in this thing.

BREAKING NEWS FAE MOUSA
In an effort to pleasantify eblutions, Mousa has decided install a new nitty. A visit to a local Nitty Emporium was conducted and a new nitty and associated wares were ordered. I have received this notification from Mousa on the progress....

Da bathroom fae Nittys Ir Wis hais arrived, Nae bath,twa extra bath panels, a broken wash besin and a stainless steel kitchen sink and taps. No bad for da first attempt eh?
via Peerie Ossa

Struck Down in my Prime.....

.....what follows is the last few days banter between the Ossas and Fladda, start from the bottom & work up.....

Peeries Ossa's Poem
The council in their wisdom do decide
Cuts are requisite
We now get the pleasure of paying for offsprings fiddle lessons
This volition no doubt amplifies the Christmas concert pleasure
Where to the child saws on the fiddle till
your teeth loosen and the milk ambulates sour in the kitchen
Fortunate days….
Peeries Ossa

Dearest Fladda
Salutations and Celebrations!!!! Muckle has returned and although fragile has taken up his post, shoulder to da waaasterly swell! Hoping your infestation is subsiding. I can see your head above the water most of the time. Muckle should provide a bit of shelter....
I am off to write a political poem noo!
Peeries Ossa


Muckle Ossa ?????...
As Byron might have said, "Tis better to have sneezed and coughed, than to have never sneezed at all." I am saddened by the lack of news of Muckle Ossa. Me hopes that he has not succumbed to a tsunami or, heaven forbid, an illness. Please pass my gracious felicitations to Ramnastack. We need to stand fast in these dark times.
Keeping my head above water.
Fladda


Dearest Fladda
Oh woe, woe and thrice woe…I am distressed to hear of your malady. I have passed on news of your pestilence to Ramnastack who was very saddened to hear and sends condolence. It’s true to say that several other sea stacks have also been struck down. Still no news of Muckle……
Lonely Peerie Ossa

Dearest Peerie O

Your latest epistle could not have arrived on my shore at a worst time. I too, like our dear Muckle Ossa, have also been struck down in my prime with a severe dose of something. I diagnosed a cross between swine and pig varieties of flu. I shall call it, er, flu.

I am following your advice and am expanding my diaphragm to its fullest extent, although I am coughing and spluttering, even at high tide.

Might I suggest investing in a small temporary account at the Royal Bank of Scottish Fog. They have suitable products on offer for the affluent offshore account holder. A ready access Scotch Mist account or a premium Platinum Fog Bank instant access account should do the trick and conceal MO from even the most prying of eyes.

In the meantime - knees bend, chest out.

Fladda

Dearest Fladda

I write to you in most unfortunate circumstance. Muckle Ossa is missing. I am taking the full weight of the sea myself and I am sure you must have noticed a difference. I understand from the Unicorn that Ossa has been stuck down with a virulent lurgy and has taken to the bed. I do hope to hear from Ossa soon as I am sure that some mariner will notice the absence shortly and then there will be trouble. I am pretty sure that the Admiralty will not take too kindly to drawing up new charts. In the meantime I am trying to look as big as possible to disguise Ossa absence. I will be requiring your support with this….so look bigger. I find breathing in and holding your breath is the best way of doing this.

Hoping your mixer is in good fettle….

Fond regards

Peerie Ossa

From our Ronas correspondent, Pobie Sukka, a quote for the day….

“Never have so many done so little for so few.”

EEEEyyyyooow and Paaaaahooooo

I am undone.....brought to my knees with a most unpleasant malady. My nasels have been infested with a rhino(virus) and have swollen to the size of the Blackwawll Tunnel innit. I am unable to enjoy any sustanence due to complete and total loss of olfactory sense and I am in receipt of hate mail from Rudolf as he is jealous of my hooter. Muckle, is this wat you had the other week?

Hoping this find you in better health then mesen!

Peerie Ossa

Save it for a Rainy Day

.....what follows is todays banter between the Ossas and Fladda, start from the bottom & work up.....

My Cherished Muckle Ossa and Fladda

I have just found the most ingenious way of poetry compliation. Simply scribe what you wish to say, then apply a cheap and nasty free translating prog from the World Wide Web, then translate the translation back again. I sure you will agree that a most undecipherable tract will be returned. Arrange to make it look poetryfied and publish thus ensuring great accolades from the more artistically inclined.

Yours as Byron

Peerie Ossa

Fae Fladda

Is it me or is my brain hurting? Translation please.

Me thinks we may have our fist candidate to bungee jump into the muckle hole of Aberdeen.

A more holistic approach to holes, language and direction is called for.

Fladda

Fae Peeries Ossa

Oh, hmmmm. Actually it reads like a poem dunt it? Wait till I reorganise it into stanza….

Absolutely

It is a zero

still move forward to seriousness

and I am fed already

Scuffle

If you look close in of her

legs from NN

look the east to the West

you will overlook those you are not the same strength.

AHA, look out poet in residence…I am after your job pal !!!!!

Peerie Ossa (Poet in waiting)

Fae Muckle Ossa

Translates as…

absolutely It is a zero still move forward to seriousness and I am fed already scuffle. If you look close in of her legs from NN look the east to the West, you will overlook those you are not the same strength.

So no further forward

Muckle Ossa

Fae Perrie Ossa

Git oot dy translator boy!!!

Perrie Ossa

Fae Muckle Ossa

Wots all that nonsense then?

Muckle Ossa

Fae Perrie Ossa

durchaus Es ist null vorsetzen an die Ernst noch und ich bin gefüttert rauf bereits. Falls Sie aussehen dicht am ihrer Beine ab NN schauen Ost zu Abendland , Sie werden übersehen jene Sie sind nicht dieselbe Stärke.

Peerie Ossa

Fae Muckle Ossa

Have you lost it because I’m not there yet.

Muckle Ossa

Fae Perrie Ossa

Friends, I can’t see you. Where are you? Having watched a particularly educational episode on the Moving Picture Generator I got to thinking about Muckle O’s legs. One of them is considerably thicker than the other. Do you think Muckle O could be helped….Erk, even worse myself and Fladda have no legs. Hits an ill pairted world.

Peerie Ossa

My Valued and Venerated Fladda

Does your vision and innovation know no limit. Yet again your vision and forward thinking cuts to the core of problems and not only solves the immediate issue at hand but encompasses solutions to other thorny problems. I will be putting these inspirational thoughts to the ACME INTERNATIONAL INC’s “We Put the Fun Into Funeral” TM Innovation Department to flesh out prior to applying for outline Planning Permission.

Another thought for a use of the hole. We could fill it with carbon footprints. The populous are constantly attempting to reduce them (are carbon shoes more expensive for bigger carbon feet? – must be the reason), then apply a few atmospheres and a couple of million years and hey presto diamonds for sale!! Hmmmmm……. only flaw with that plan is that once we mined them we are still left with the hole…..but wait. A new business opportunity I spy! Hole Recycling. I will send that idea to the ACME INTERNATIONAL INC’s “We Put the Fun Into Funeral” TM Hole Section, see what they think.

With Much Admiration

Peerie Ossa

Re: the Aberdeen Hole

My Dearest Darling Ossa's,

An excellent spot for a wind farm - hidden from view, no lengthy cables required as it's right amongst the consumers; and you can pop a cover over it when it rains! A win-win situation for the pro and anti groups!

Or a tower block. When the lifts breakdown it will be easier to walk down the steps with your shopping and messages than to climb up! Another win-win solution. And think of the savings on curtain material - you don't need them.

Your obedient servant

Fladda

A HOLE SALE

I just had to post this - hole anyone?

Europe's largest man-made hole sale to close.....

Sellers have been 'inundated' with enquiries for Rubislaw Quarry - the source of Aberdeen's granite and now the hole Aberdeen came out of. Rubislaw Quarry was the source of the stone which gave the Granite City its name. Last month the iconic landmark went on sale on the open market for the first time in 150 years. The 466ft deep by 394ft wide hole is roughly the size of 1,200 Olympic-sized swimming pools and is now filled with water. An estimated six million tonnes of granite was excavated from it over a 200 year period before its closure in 1971.

 

found on the STV website 

http://news.stv.tv/scotland/north/156574-europes-largest-man-made-hole-sale-to-close/

Fladda Comes on (blog) Board

Dearest Peerie Ossa,

Phew! Your second email arrived just in time. I was struggling to get the little blighters into the mixer in order to effect the desirable interface between concrete and chickens when a chance perusal of the computer revealed the folly of my task.

A near disaster was closely avoided - I shudder to think what kind of screaming screeding could have ensued, to say nothing of the possible collapse of the of future scrambled/screeded egg production.

Ah well, turned out all white, er right, in the end. A salutary lesson. A chicken is not just for Christmas, or concrete for that matter.

Yours as ever,

Fladda

Chickens and Concrete

WHILST the introductory message may imply interaction between chickens and concrete in an undefined context I would like to take this opportunity to clarify. Any interaction between the two mediums should only be undertaken when the concrete has set and be between the underside of the chickens foot and the screeded surface of the concrete.

Concrete batching should not at any time be undertaken with the involvement of chickens. At best the surface of your concrete is at risk of chicken imprints and at worst it would not be easy to get a level finish. Just remember chickens are for eggs. Concrete is for walking on and making manly stuff.

It's Here

Muckle Ossa has set up Muckle Ossas blog page and will be blogging our collective observations of the world in which we live and also our own little world. So far the contributers are Muckle Ossa, Peerie Ossa and Fladda. I look forward to hearing any thoughts you may have had on chickens and concrete interactions….We will be rich soon.

Peerie Ossa