Fladda asks 'What is the Point?'

My Dearest Perrie Ossa,

What is the Point?

Waal, it’s been a while since I sed owt, so with spring in the air I’m shaking off the seaweed, kicking the kelp, shaking the shingle and flexing my mussels ready to rant loud and wide.

Can’t be bothered with all that census stuff – it’s only a form for Neptune’s sake – just don’t put down anything that’s false(?).

But, but, I hear rumblings that an election is due in the coming weeks. Ooooh, this sounds more like it. Time to think about joining the Bisto Bus crowd in Hollybrood by doing my bit for Neptune and country – yeh, right.

Now, before I get my nomination form (MO will help me fill it in) I need to create a manifesto and, most importantly, a catchy slogan.

Got it! ‘Vote for Flad, he ain’t half bad!’ Wow, that’s guaranteed to get the floating voters on my side, even though they haven’t a clue what I’m about. Right, now I need a cause, something to put fire in the electorates’ belly. Mareel – naa, it’s got to be serious; wind farms – naa, done to death; EU/EEC – naa, even though it’s the best Bisto Bus available in politicks; fuel prices – naa, been on the politickacle agenda since the whale oil price wars of eons ago.

Hang on though, fuel pricing does sound very promising…..

Those damned point nines; you know the two pounds twenty something point nine per egg cup full signs that are emblazoned in seventy foot high letters outside the petrol dispensing Dalek garrisons.

What is it with those fuel retailers and the foreign metrik system? We are not fooled by the point nines. We don’t have point summat of a penny in our pockets, so what’s going on. Think of all those point nines that could be recycled at the District Heating plant, and let’s not forget the little decimal point too.

Here we go then. I shall run my campaign solely around the premise that unless we get rid of the ‘Point Nines’, society as we know it will collapse before the end of, err, too long! As good ol’ Al G would say, ‘The debate is over.’ I shall leave no mollusc upturned in my crusade to promote this matter at the highest political level, thus ensuring that Shetland becomes a world leader and a centre of excellence for point nine research and debate. Alex Farmed Fish would be proud. First off, I shall press for the formation of a committee to oversee a fact finding mission (Te he, it’s a world-wide problem!) with a view to presenting a motion to the Skottish Parlymont. Oh yes, endless committees, sub-committees, steering groups, working parties, conferences etc. I feel a sense of public duty welling up in my obelisks. Now, pass me a couple of blank expense claim forms before I lose the plot.

So there I have it, a short, world saving manifesto and a snappy slogan. A sure fire winner if ever I had one.

So, on Thursday, remember to vote ‘Fladda’, your What’s the Point Party candidate.

Must go now, got to get to Sussex for the Hustings, bye.

Fladda