Shetland to reduce drink-drive limit from ‘a skinful’ to ‘not that much’

The Shetland Islands Coooooncil has announced they will be lowering the drink drive limit in Leeeeerwick (excluding Scallywag), but has reassured drinkers weekend rules will remain unchanged.

The changes were put forward after a recent study showed reactions of 'Toonies' were ‘moderately subdued’ after a four-pack of 9% Special Brew. The same study accidentally killed 4 Orcadians.

The Zetland convenor acknowledged this wasn’t the first time a drink-drive study had been carried out on the subject, but said it was the first it was not done “by a bunch of English poofters”.

Under the proposed changes, drink driving would only be allowed if ‘completely necessary’ — at weddings, funerals, Friday & Saturday nights and on birthdays & any other day with a "y" in the name.

The changes have been met with some anger in Papa Stour (wha give a monkeys), with opponents saying tens of millions will lose their jobs and billions of pubs will close down in Englandcestershire resulting in nationwide suicides of pub landlords forcing thousands of orphans to live on the streets. Supporters have counted these claims with “Whatever”.

Russians reach Shetland after 15 year voyage

Russian explorers have finally reached the Shetland Isles after a 15 year voyage in which three crew members died.

Long thought to be lost to the North Sea, Shetland lies somewhere between Scotland and the North Pole and is a long forgotten land supposedly filled with mythical beasts and strange sounding locals. They are rumoured to live a Viking lifestyle even eating fire and sacrificing babies at Up Helly Aa. One this most historians agree on is that ‘Up Helly Aa’ has no meaning in any modern day language they know of.

The Russian crew from set sail from the small northern town of Severodvinsk in 1996 and haven’t been seen since. Contact was initially maintained via an old Nokia mobile phone but the sailors were presumed lost at sea after no contact was made from 1997.

The Russian Navy was stunned to receive word via carrier pigeon that the crew were alive and well and had arrived in Shetland. The short message said they had found no signs of life on the main island but would keep searching.

Shetland has long been thought to be located somewhere north of Scotland, but mapolologists have literally no idea where it is. The map of the UK includes a map of Shetland, but as nobody really knows where the islands are, along with Orkney they are just placed in a box at the side of the map.