Things are not always what they seem...

Fladda and Po decided to venture into business. Looking for suitable failsafe money spinners they happened upon two dead certs: car repairs – humans are forever bumping into things with their fragile tin boxes; and funereal accoutrements – everyone has a death experience at some point. Veritable cash cows if ever there were any! After careful thought they decided that their talents could thus be put to good use in auto body repair, with the emphasis on funeral cars. We believed that Gairs and Stronachs had much to fear as we were very good and cheap…I mean how hard could it be? After due consideration we named our company.....

Autobody Repairs

Bespoke Hearse Refurbishments

What we lacked in catchy name creation we put into our exempliary work, thus in order to drum up a bit of business we set off to cruise around the toon in our souped up Morris Marina emblazoned with our companies working title and phone number, now, due to cost constraints we had to use those sticky letters which you take the back off to reveal the sticky side (Muckle had these in large supply after buying a box of miscellania from the Shetland Auction Rooms). PO has instructed Flad to make sure that the side of the Marina was dry to ensure maximum adheasion, however Flad was so excited that perhaps Flad was not as diligent as might necessarily be required. Anyhoo, Po digesses after a day of cruising we went home and waited for the flood of phone calls….which we did get, however these were mostly of an inappropriate nature, except the recorded “get out of debt now” message. After an evening where Flad and Po were in turn terminally embarassed and shocked, PO decided to check the Marina to see what could be misconstrued from the very clear company slogan. Imagine POs horror when PO found that, due to Flads excitement, several of the letters had fallen off. This explained immediately the type of requests/suggestions they had endured. The A, U, T, O, H and E had fallen off. PO and Flad have since had to change their phone number and are thus out of pocket…..and haven’t repaired a single car!

Autobody Repairs

Bespoke Hearse Refurbishments

The lesson here is…

Things are not always what they seem. You should never judge a book by its cover and if you are doing something, do it right the first time!!!!

Best Job in the World.......

PO has only just read of the new Bird Warden and family who will be taking up residence on Fair Isle. This happy family were convinced that they had landed the best job in the world…


However PO can now inform them that it is not. No, however the best job in the world is still situated within (or perhaps under) our rocky outcrop. Indeedy, PO believes that the Ossas and Flad may apply themselves as a job share. £50 bags of sand (grand), 3 ways that’s 40 bags to PO (creative go getter) and 10 each to the other pair. And what is this all for I hear you ask???? Well the short answer is managing nothing.

The SIC have decreed that they will employ somebody to manage nothing on an overinflated salary. Nothing new there then I hear you say, but at least previously they were able to smoke screen that fact that nothing was being managed…however this one is right out there, in your face.

Obviously the post is not being advertised with the job title “Nothing Manager” it is going to be a “Tunnel Manager”. Now for the less astute among you, there are no tunnels in Sheltieland which means that locally “Tunnel” = nothing. Not only that but “Tunnel” will continue to = nothing for at least 10 years. Brilliant.

The Ossas and Flad will be retired by then and the several million U turns which will have occurred between now and then will not really matter as this whole thing is theoretical anyway and when managing nothing, nothing can go wrong! Brilliant.

Unless.........they mean managing these tunnels - as there are afew of these up here in the frozen north.

Pass the pen….
Now where’s me pen.

Peerie O asks - Do oor avian chums parp?

MO, PO and Flad have had occasion to get together lately and thus some profound questions were asked and subsequently answered.

Question of the day was “Do birds pass wind?”

This could not be immediately answered so extensive research was undertaken.

The answer is apparently they do, but not very much or often, only there is no smell or sound. This is because the diet they eat and how their digestive system works means that they do not produce much gas (PO is not so sure about this…have you seen what the scories eat!!!?, makes Muckle positively health conscious and MOs fairy puffs are not completely odourless we can tell you), thus no smell…..which leads me to ask who could know this???????I mean how do you research this.

Even more to the point who would want do it…Wait a minute….we asked the question so probably rocks like us.

Anyhoo, more interesting than that was that there is no sound with a bird fart. This is down to a bird having no cheeks on its bottom….nothing to reverberate apparently. So there you go, birds can and do pass wind however it is odourless and silent and into a huge sky so it is unlikely to affect anything very much…..but interesting none the less.

Peerie O has had a shocker o a month...

Peerie O has had a shocker o a month & MO has been nae help avaa.

Po wis watchin da rig aa seaweed just oot afore da Ossas and decided dit raider dan buy seaweed fur the da starfishes winter fodder dey wid cut dir ain fae da rig. MO widna help ava, so PO enlisted Kirkaskerry and Kjurkel tae help. Dey listened tae da forecast and cut da seaweed accordingly….dan hit lowsed an rained fur a fortnight. Not down herted PO, Kirka and Kjurkel wuffled and handturned dat seaweed every day. Eventually dey took hit intae da muckle starfish shed an tried tae dry hit on the floor. Dis seemed tae be havin a modicum o success so dey stowed it in the specially constructed seaweed cru. PO wis heavin a sigh o relief…hit wis been a lang seaweed makin….

BUT disaster struck!!!! Kirka wish haain a trivel introw hit and hit felt a tad warmer dan we wid o likit…..Kirka emptied hit oot o da cru again…bearin in mind dirt dey wir aboot twinty coles o seaweed here…..and by da time PO got tae da shed, hit wis warmin up rather nicely. Anyhoo, in order ta avoid lossin da shed, PO an Kirka hed ta empty da whole lot o da seaweed oot o da shed…an der hit lies a gret pile o weet seaweed! Gyan ta ploo hit back in tae da boddam and grow sea cucumbers nixt year!

Lessons learned fur nixt year ......

Use da Faroese forecast

Cut half da amount o seaweed

If hit strill weet eftir 4 days pit hit ta silage!

OOOOOOOh me back!

Spaegied PO

Peerie O is acting (up again)

Peerie O has been very quiet of late but is now breaking the silence and I’ll teel you for why! PO has been busy taking acting lessons as PO was sure there would be a roll in the new film being made on Fetlar.

Fetlar, it has to be said, was getting a bit far up damsel an wis startin tae caa everybody “daaaaaaaaling” I bit upstairs an ben aaff. Humsumiver, wi dis latest venture bein pitten on the back burner, Fetlar seems tae hiv geen a bit quiet!

Anyhoo, Po has been learning how ta convey being a rock through the medium of mime. In order to complete these classes, PO procured some hefty fundin thru da Arts Development agency. PO has passed da classes wi flyin colours and can now be viewed at any time plying the mime trade.

Some reviews are given below;

“The energy and emotion from PO’s performance is electric. The mime is impeccable. Money well spent and well worth it!” – The Sneck o da Smallie.

“ Never in my 5 million year life have I seen a rockier looking mime. Stock still. PO is a rising star in mime….look out Muckle, Rockall will be after PO!!” – Barra

“ I now know what it feels like to be a rock. PO conveys the hardness and lonely melancholy of being a rock like no one ever has before” – Elizabeth Taylor

“ Dosna look much different tae me…..hurumph!!!!” – Muckle Grumpy Ossa

Ronas Hill & St. Magnus Bay Hotel

The Ossa’s had Ronas ower fur a few drams last night, bit as usual Ronas overdid it. Everytime, dey fill demsels and dan sit wi da clankin remorse. Weel Ronas really did it last night. Da Ossas wir a bit concerned for Ronas's welfare and nipped ower ta check on her. Weel, Ronas is getting on a bit noo and her water control is no whit hit used ta be. When da Ossas wan ower, dey discovered dit Ronas wis hain a bit o incontinence…hit wis comin oot aa wye! See photo below. Da Ossa towt dey wid leave Ronas in peace as she said she wis feelin a bit seek anaa. Hopefully she will be able ta keep her stack on or dey will likely be anidder clood.

Seein as dey wir in da local dey nipped in alang da Magnus bay Hotel fur a spot o lunch….and were very blyde dey did! First an foremost, dey ir fairly getting da old place sorted. Massive progress since dey took ower. The old place is startin get back hits former glory…really good tae see.

On to lunch….StMBH provides a portion size that befits a rather large sea feature. Peerie O and Muckle O couldna feenish it aa. MO’s fish wis o biblical proportions. The welcome was warm and the staff are so helpful, gyan oot o dir wye and doin da extra mile seems ta be nae budder ava. Da food was cooked ta perfection, da salad freshly made and PROPER HANDCUT FAE PROPER TATTIES ON DA PREMISES BY A HUMAN chips.

Verdict – Floats my tattie both food and service.

Wadder

Peerie O is drookled dis morn. Whit sort o a day is dis? Had a look to see whit da wadder aside Auld Rasmie wis doin. No great, bit better than da wadder at da Ossas. 12 degrees wi a brisk (dat just doesna do da wind speed justice) norderly wind and p*****g rain. Da yows dit were clipped on Sunday ir gyan around wi dir knees knockin, lookin bewildered. POs cat has come doon wi feline SAD, she didna even get up dis mornin…..mind you da wadder shouldna come as any surprise as PO has commenced renovations on da gairdin shed, which had da roof removed yiisterday ready fur a new Perspex roof so now you can wade to da high watter mark inside da shed.

However, adopting a positive mental attitude, Longa Tonga said that at least the forecast was right fur a change!!! By the way Rasmie, PO is sittin here wi flooer envy! However POs strawberries could cause Rasmie to turn a shade o green!!

Peerie O is a little bewildered

Peerie O is bewildered by you human lot…I dunno. Not having been in cyberspace lately PO is playing catch up. PO is aware that being a rock PO does not understand the intricacies of human beans (PO likes BFG). Lookin at Clarkersgate, fur da piece o wark dit was made aboot da Assistant Chief Executive job….given dit several real proper job (titles) wir offered, bit no, dat wis nae use. Da council dan hed ta u turn (apparently dey have hed lessons fae Darcy Busstle on how no ta turn hedlight when birrlin) and reinstated da ACE.

All dis at whit cost??????????? Dan efter aa dat da ACE wants a secondment….and dey ir geen hit tae him. How will dey manage??? Is somebody going to have to be employed to cover????????? using the corrert advertising and recruiting procedures of course??? PO may apply fur dat. Where will the secondment be to?? Orkney perhaps? Does innybody else hae a ACE?

Nixt on POs list, we have a new SNP candidate perhaps? PO is amazed at the speed and the cut and thrust of all you human types. Can’t wait to hear da manifesto. More da moran…

Eider a Duvet

Muckle O wis informed that some Killer Whales were oot & aboot showing off doon 'da sooth end'. Nae sign o dem though but da Eiders were oot wi chicks.....

Here's da soond recording o da male Eider - woooooooooo.

A Message from Kjurkel

Kjurkel has been reading with interest Convener Clueless OBE defence of the S.I.C's handling of Clarkersgate. By defence I mean, backtrackin and blame shiftin. Listenin ta da radio, perhaps Mr Clueless OBE better brush up on his spaikin skill to ensure octogenarian HRH can actually hear whit hes sayin. Very muttery....

Also notable is a certain Scalloway/Burra Coonciller tryin to pin the blame of the Council's spending frenzy on Shetlanders, I quote - "getting the people of Shetland to accept that we don't have the money to spend that we had in the past".

Get away lady. Its gettin the Cooncil to accept that you don't need to spend money to get voted back in, swimming pools and fiddle lessons don't equal votes, and p.s. not everyone loves the fiddle.

Lookin forward to da days revelations.....

Peerie O discusses Da Mareel

Peerie O was sitting mindin PO’s own the other day and as usual a tanker makin for Sullom guid by causing a (not unpleasant) vibration. Dis got PO tinkin. The low frequency vibration noise transmission fae a boats engine travels really weel through da water an also transmits weel through aa solid matter, including PO. More thinking occurred an PO recalled dit Mareel, da loverly new music venue is biggit on land reclaimed fae da sea, right nixt ta the Holmsgirt ferry terminal and truth be telt in da middle o Lerick Harbour.

Noo certainly, if a concert wis on you widna notice inny noise or vibration as a boat passed. Bit whit aboot da recordin studio? PO understands dit a state o da art recordin studio is bein installed in said Mareel. I winder if dey hiv considered dis when selectin the sound insulation fur da place?? PO is no an expert on acoustics bit Po does ken dit particle collision air borne noise transmission is much easier ta insulate against than direct contact transmission….Da type o insulation for low frequency direct contact transmission noise is invariably much more engineered and thus his a price tag ta match….

Just an observation.

Viking Mice invade Shetland

Shetlanders are being asked to bring scientists their dead mice so they can work out if the island was invaded by ‘Viking’ rodents.

Both species of mice on Shetland (the house mouse and the wood or long-tailed field mouse) are thought to have arrived on the island as stowaway passengers in the longboats of Norse settlers or traders.

An artists impression of what a Viking Mouse may look like

As part of the study researchers are asking Shetland residents to hand in any dead mice they find to the Scottish Natural Heritage office in Lerwick.

Researchers have already identified the genetic code of house mice in Shetland as an important clue to the evolution of mammal species across Europe.

Dr Frank Chan of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Biology in Germany is leading the Viking mouse study.

http://news.stv.tv/scotland/north/184184-islanders-asked-to-donate-dead-mice-for-viking-rodent-study/

Muckle O and Fladda (Peerie O is off-line at the mo), sought a quote from the "Shetland Mice and Rodents Territorial Inhabitants Entertaining Society" - 'Smarties', but none were available for comment as hundreds of Shetlander's were busily trying to kill them and they had all dissappeared down the nearest available hole, including oil-boil-holes.

However, these rufty-tufty marauding Viking mice did not just confine their invading and pilaging  to the northern isles......

"A rodent hunter with a head for heights is being sought for a project on the remote island of St Kilda.

Edinburgh University is seeking a volunteer to trap and study a unique species of mouse thought to have arrived on the archipelago with the Vikings over 1,000 years ago.

The successful applicant will have to spend five weeks scrambling over high cliff tops searching for mice in gales and rain.

Whoever is appointed to the post will accompany a research team and stay in one of the restored cottages in the original village.

The mouse is heavier and has a different hair colouration on its belly to mainland field mice.

However little else is known about its behaviour or how large is its population scattered around the remote location around 100 miles off the Scottish mainland.

Tom Black, the University of Edinburgh PhD student undertaking the research, described the post as “hard work in (probably) horrible weather, but also good fun”.

 

http://news.stv.tv/scotland/highlands-islands/154073-rodent-hunter-sought-to-trap-viking-mouse/

'Hoochin'

PO and Flad have made contact and as per usual a pearl of knowledge has been created. Discussing the Hamfaerin and all the music and dancing, Po and Flad discussed the finer points…

Hoochin - The thing you do in the middle of a Boston 2 Step or Shetland backstep. It has long bothered PO that people cannot say “hooch” properly. There are may permutations of the word and over the years to has been dituted and changed to an unrecognisable form. In fairness the general rule is that anyone who has grown up north of the 55 degree latitude line is genetically programmed to pronounce this word properly. South of this then it comes out as “hook” or even worse “ook” so PO has created 2 step by step methods for people to learn how to say “hooch” properly. Fear not, if you contain genetic material originating North of 55 degrees you are half way there

Peeps attempting 'Da Hoochin'

Method 1.

This works best if you have had a bad cough. Just cough, but say “oooooo” as you are coughing. This gives the basic sound and will train your larynx into the correct projection.

Method 2.

Possibly less offensive and painful than Method 1:

a) Say “who” as in “who is that?”

b) Now remember the last time you stood on your cats tail? It made a “Hchhhhhh” sound. That’s the one. Draw your lips back over your teeth and pass air (outwardly) over the back of your tongue. Practice this until you can make a consistant sound.

c) Now say “who” followed by “Hchhhh” taking a breath between each enounciation. Practice for 5 mins.

d) Now try to say “who” followed by “hchhh” without taking the breath between. Practice.

e) Finally run the word together and hey presto “hooch.” Practise lots until you can scream it spontaneously without thinking about it….you will need to be able to do this during dancing. You can’t stop in the middle of an Eightsome Reel to think about shouting “hooch.”

f) Go to the Hamfaerin dance and impress all the locals with your gay abandoned “hooch” ability.

This PO and Flad TOP TIP is sponsored by “Slippereen”

A Missive from Grind o Da Navir

A missive from Grind o Da Navir (GoDN). GoDN intends compileing a list of wir closs neebir stacks.........

"Noo Dan Po

GoDN will at some point in da future produce a list o wir near neebirs, hit will be whan I geit bakk fae veesiting Copinsay an Lamb Holm.

Hit will takk a peerie start tae do as I hae some written & some in da head & will hae tae speik tae Moo Stack & Stanchie Head as dae ir alder.

Skol

GoDN"

Peerie O's liquid clouds

Peerie O & Muckle O were very impressed with the unusual 'liquid' clouds over zetland yesterday. It was an overcast day with little wind and these clouds looked like a grey liquid blanket over da isles. They also formed interesting patterns over the central ridge of Mainland. These pictures are exactly as they came from the camera - no manipulation whatsoever.

These clouds came together to form a 'grumpy face' in the last picture.

Peerie O's Orchids

PO has been out and about with the old picture gun and has indeedy captured an Early Marsh orchid. It was quite difficult as these little blighters can shift very fast and as you will be aware PO can’t move with any sort of speed at all….and there are ofen rockfalls and earthquakes when PO does. Anyhoo PO digresses.

The Early Marsh Orchid differs from the Northern Marsh Orchid in a couple of obvious ways…the leaves have no spots and the petals are more fleshy/reddy hued than the royal purple of the Northern.

Also, here's Heath Spotted Orchid - with the pale pink flowers.

Fladda seems to be in a toint as PO has heard not a peep lately. Photo envy I would imagine.

Blue-green Algae - whits aa yon aboot?

Peerie, Muckle & Flad (an a selection of idder sea features) wis hearing on da news da streen that there might be some Blue Green algae around on da freshwater lochs. We never get inny o dat aboot wis. Occasional “red tide” bit never blue green. Lots o pink an broon and green…bit never blue green. PO got a letter fae Colsay (MOs fliberty gibert pal fae da sooth end) and some photos o da blue green were in it. PO likes the colour but not toxicity of da stuff. Very bad for dogs and peeps. Anyhoo, see below.

Dis is classic stuff, but hits no always dis colour. Sometimes it grows on da bottom o da loch and is browny/reddy/black. It is at its most lethal when it dees and the cells rupture releasing Anatoxin A among idder nasty things, which is a neurotoxin. When it dees it often washes up on da shore and can look like coo poop, black and a strong musty small dit attacts dogs and animals (includin’ human types!). If they ate it death will follow rapidly so be careful out there. This is whit it can look like when its in full bloom an still in suspension in da water - it looks like soup and may be grey/green or greenish or just green! 

Luckily for wis - it does not affect sea features.

Shetland Word of the Day – Girn – this has 2 meanings.

1) The noise a dog makes when not whining or barking. Usually preceeds a bite.

2) A false ingratiating smile.

Shetland Place of the day – Buggery – Apparently somewhere around the Brig aa Waas. The name derives from the old Norse word Bu meaning something to do with cattle. Not sure what the ”ggery” bit means tho!

In addition Peerie O has been for a snacket wi Grind O da Navir. Usual sea born chit chat. GOdN is going to prepare a list of all the neighbourhood area place names with the “correct” pronounciation. It is one of GOdN’s botty barnicles that everybody pronounces things all wrong. GOdN said “ I cood geng fae here ta the fardest east ebbstanes o da Skerries and still der naebody dit can say da names around here right.”

 

PO replied that this was indeed GOdNs new mission should GOdN wish to accept! PO looks forward to the list.

 

Aside, PO had some vegetable matter for lunch and there seems to be some seismic activity commencing. MO, are we a volcano do you think?

Peerie O goes Birdwatching

PO has oot an aboot visiting the new borns. First PO went to see The new additions to the Starling family. From the left Sheree, Chardonnay, Shiraz and Rasmie (after wir pal in Norwayland!!!) Rasmie takes after his dads side, I can tell you….quiet and brooding. They were just about to fledge so PO did not hang aboot. For the tweetery amongst you these are the Shetland subspecies of Sturnus vulgaris, referred to as the Shetland Starling Sturnus vulgaris zetlandicus - the juveniles are darker in colour than their equivalents in Englandshire.

Next it wis over to da Shalder family and babies Rio and Wayne. Wayne would not stand still so could not get a photo, but Rio did and managed to get a quick snap. Mrs Shalder was not too impressed with PO’s photography techniques and saw PO off the premises……

Next it was on to see the Mute Swans and they have been busy! 5 bambinos. Mary, Rodger, Jemima, Elaine and Colin….very sweet bunch although Colin tends to hide ahint mam…..

New Northlink Cruises

Peerie O has been noticing that Northlink have come up with an innovative minicruise…..the all new “Slim Positive Effortless Weight Reduction” Cruise more commonly referred to using the acronym SPEWR.

Brilliant idea and will surely bring in the bookings. Simply gather a bus load of innocents, add to the bus a dash of entero bacteria and hey presto vomiting and diarrhoea for 30, lasting a minimum of 24 hrs. A total weight loss of 25 stones for the whole bus and an average 10 lbs per person gaurenteed.

There are several other benefits to this…as well as not having to feed the passengers, the weight loss means that the ferry does not burn as much fuel. It is just a matter of time before Northlink join forces with Simon King and they can start the “SPEW and VIEW” cruises. This means that all the passengers can stay out on deck to view the wildlife and get their own back on the Maalies by spewing over them as they fly past, rather than being spewed on.

It will also save Northlink the tedious job of deep cleaning the cabins, simply hose the passengers and the boat sides down before she docks!

Shetland Word of the Day – Skavel – To go over on ones ankle.

Shetland Place of the Day – Gatni Geos – South Havra

Shetland Photo of the Day - Baby Hedgehog - i dont think there's a Shetland name for Hedgehog.

Peerie O is back in Cyberspace

Peerie O has not been handy with a computermeebob lately, but am back now for a short sojourn in cyberspace. Things of interest…firstly a HUGE OVERSITE in the Shetland Tourism adverty thingy on the Shetland News website. PO was watching avidly, waiting for the ossas and flad to flash up……Dore holm first….then….a puffin….then….Mousa….then……stinky old Dore Holm again. No sign of the Ossas an Flad. Whits aa dat aboot dan? Eh????? Dore Holm just sits there, speakin to nobody…PO reckons Dore is a bit ups itsel. Ha, Snore Holm more like!

Anyhoo, on to my next observation. Only on the Auld Rock would you get an exemption on your electronic tagging device to nip oot for free chips! Brilliant. I’m sure other law enforcement agencies could learn a thing or 2 from wir court. Plez milud, could I ave a couple of oors aff to caa da hill or milk da coo! PO loves it. Ders nae place lik holm (not Snore Dore though).

Shetland place o da day
Sodom, which interestingly is no far fae da leisure centre in Whaalsa.

Shetland wird o da day
Swickery – as in “wirkin a swickery” and in Englishshireyness, “ to swindle”.